Category: Uncategorized

Thank Crunchy It’s Friday

Had a really late start following my night on dog watch, I was unpleasantly awoken by Gary cooking me breakfast, now I’m not great at eating in the mornings so when he presented me with dehydrated bacon with scrambled egg microwaved until I couldn’t get a fork in it (I’m not exaggerating it was like the sole of a trainer) on bread with virtually no butter I wasn’t impressed, I bit my tongue because at least he’d made the effort but…….. I couldn’t not say anything when I realised every bite was full of egg shell and more salt than the Bonneville flats, I just couldn’t hide it, I did feel bad for not eating it but yuk f#%king yuk!!

Homeschooling with Gary there was mission impossible yet again, Fabian wouldn’t sit still or listen and Gary found it hilarious……..I DID NOT! I persevered until he produced at least 3 pages of work, read a book but then I quit my job as teacher and painted the door frames instead.

As I said, I had crap for breakfast, skipped lunch (the kids had the last of the lasagna) dinner was yet another change to the menu, Giz got fish and chips against my will but because he decided to try and bribe Fabian with the promise of them if he did his school work I couldn’t overrule him, will it be 3rd time lucky with the bacon pudding?

I spent an unnaturally long time trying to work out what product one of my favourite advertisements of the 90’s was actually trying to sell, I knew all the lyrics but couldn’t for the life of me think what they were trying to flog, this resulted in a long steam of google searches saying things like “he licked your belly button with his tongue” so must remember to delete the history to avoid awkward questions if my kids pick my phone up! Do you know what it was? The words are as follows; “he’s seen you naked, he’s bought you kinky underwear, he knows your secrets, he’s seen you bleach your facial hair, he’s squeezed your spots called you snooglebum, he’s licked your belly button with his tongue….thank god you dumped him first’ If you’ve had better things to do with your life in the last 30 years than remember this, the answer to this question will be at the end of today’s blog.

Biggest accomplishment so far, I’ve managed to finally book a home delivery slot for Tesco between 8pm and 9pm on Sunday so sorry Liz I won’t be able to see you address the nation a far bigger moment in history is taking place…….Hell will be freezing over coz I’m pretty sure I once said it would before I used a home food delivery service and yet here we are.

This is a momentous day……….yes I shaved my legs and pits for the first time in weeks!!! I’m not saying this isolation thing is making me lazy but I’ve trudged around looking like a Wookiee that’s got Bob Marley in a headlock for about a month now I feel like I’ve shed my winter coat and I’m a ton lighter, I expect to do my workouts with more speed and finesse now I’m smooth and streamlined however I am worried there will be even more fat slapping noises as I star jump my way around the front room without the hairy buffers in place. It looked like someone had washed a dog in the bath after I got out, I do hope I haven’t clogged the drains!

After laughing my socks off at the best “ Have I got news for you” I’ve ever seen, followed by Peter Kay on Jonathan Ross I made the mistake of watching the news so going to bed depressed and shitting my pants ………definitely no news is good news these day!

I almost forgot,the answer to the advert question was……. Sure Deodorant

Our Lockdown Life

Being a natural born pessimist I have been preparing for this day for a few weeks now actually if I think about it most of my adult life, I’m an instinctive hoarder so finally my house full of “that might come in handies” might actually come in handy but I have resisted the urge to barricade us in behind a wall of toilet rolls and I’m pretty sure by laundry basket of “emergency” supplies doesn’t qualify as stock piling but as the mother of two children (three if you include my 42 year old toddler of a partner) my survival skills did kick in and drove me to purchase some really bizarre items, whilst others will be cracking open the Fray Bentos pies and gorging on the pasta mountains that vanished weeks ago from our shelves my family will be feasting on such delicacies such as panko breadcrumbs, I don’t know what I’m going to breadcrumb as the meat shelves were bare but who knows Panko breaded corned beef might be thing Heston has missed?? A trip to our local Asian supermarket is largely responsible for my stock up session so I selected items largely based on how much the name made me laugh the top three items being Tau Lang Poo (thing in a tin that could indeed be poo) Shito paste (I have no idea and I expect in ten years time when I find it at the back of the cupboard I still won’t know) and then there’s my daughters favourite- Cock Soup, there is nothing like the word “cock” to send a teenager into fits of laughter! Anyway to conclude this we are going to be eating some interesting meals in the current week that’s for sure!

So I have awoken to glorious sunshine a heart of mixed emotions and a head full of confusion about what this Lockdown situation will mean for us as a family, in one way I am relieved beyond belief that the stresses and strains work puts on me every day is suddenly lifted from my shoulders and I feel I can breathe for the first time in years (subject to avoiding Covid-19) the morning torture of the school run is at an end for a while my throat can’t quite work out why I’m no hollering Tarzan style “get out of bed or I will drag you out” until I’m hoarse and the thought of just “having time” time for my children, time to read, time to tidy, organise and clean, time to paint and time attempt to write seems like bliss. But then there is sadness of not seeing my family and friends which is frankly a bit of rubbish as everyone knows I never have time for that “Oh the irony I now have time but thwarted by distance and a works wide pandemic” after a lifetime of not needing anyone’s help only a few hours in i realise I miss my mum and dad! I am worried about money then I’m not then I am and then I’m not again it only money after all and they can’t take what I don’t have so I will see how that pans out!

Homeschooling hahaha talk about the deaf leading the blind my poor six year old is about to be educated by a self confessed idiot, thank god for the homeschooling packs the amazing staff at St Margaret’s Collier Street have put together or he could end up as stupid as me and then there is the internet to save the day if my crazy science projects and planned history and home economics lessons don’t pan out! We are so lucky to live in the middle of no where so getting out in fresh air won’t be a problem, we could walk for miles and not see anyone (my knees are groaning at the prospect already)

Plans! It’s good to make plans, I heard on the radio tips on getting through this and one was set goals and try to do things that give you a sense of achievement well my first one was setting up this blog so good start next I might move onto something harder say like getting out of my pjs or brushing this crazy mess on my head! Seriously I do have a few regrets like not getting my hair done but this bloody government didn’t spare a thought for florists I mean straight after Mother’s Day there was no way we would have time to sort that shit out so I’m sporting an inch strip of pure grey down the centre of my head and not a chance my legs will get waxed, who knows how bad it will be by the end of this #firstworldproblems I had planned to buy seeds this week to plant up our veggie garden but that’s not happening now so there will be no digging for Britain here! Anyway I’m off to plan today’s meals I will let you know how that goes.

Jojo enjoying a walk amongst the Celandines