Fabian and I had a sleepless night following the loss of Bentley but we got up at 8am, it was a beautiful day thank god!

I made the decision to take Fabe to work with me, he had taken Bentleys death very hard and he hasn’t left the house/farm for nearly four weeks so thought it would do him good to have a change of scenery, I made us a picnic and we headed off to the shop, he stayed in the van while I loaded the deliveries, we set off delivering in the Kent countryside, this is just a beautiful time of year and Fabian loved looking at the Bluebells, we spotted an Early Purple Orchid growing near the road so stopped for a min to take a couple of pictures, I’m so proud of how he shares my love of nature but do worry he takes more after his Grandad Graham who loves nature but shoots anything that looks at him funny! Anyway with all our deliveries complete we stopped for 15mins and walked in the bluebell wood on the way home and ate our sandwiches in the sun and chatted about our poor dog.

When we got home I he ran in and I took 10 mins sitting in the van to catch my breath before I could face going in. I called my mum to tell her about B, she was understandably upset, she loved him but so did everyone! I couldn’t face telling anyone else.

At home I really didn’t feel like doing much so mostly drank tea that Millie obligingly kept topping up (I paid for that with countless trips to the loo in the night) watched a bit of tv without really taking it in and then Fabe came in from the garden moaning the clamp for his machine gun wasn’t working, Millie said Grandad Graham will look at it, now Fabian’s response came out of the blue and I didn’t know if I should laugh or what! He said “I can’t call him, he’s dead” Millie said what looking at me imploringly “what” he said “grandad Graham is dead, she (pointing at me) told me he died of Coronavirus” I must have had my mouth open my brain couldn’t compute why he would think that, then it fell into place I was replying to a friends message that he partially read, he asked what it was about I said it was very sad her dad died or Coronavirus. I explained that was my friends dad he said “oh I thought you meant your dad, phew that’s a relief” (I did laugh) I said “I think I would have heart broken if my dad had died” he said “well you have been sad all day” yes I have but because the bloody dog had died!

My best dog ever was still giving us laughs all day, Fabe came out with another of his belters when he’s asked where Bentley was, I said he’s being cremated we will get his ashes back soon, his response was priceless “ oh for god sakes what’s wrong with my family, you keep burning everything” (Millie and I were in stitches) I said “well we don’t really I know your dad likes a bonfire but….” he said” well you burnt Aunty Alison And Mema and Molly” I could only say “well yes but they had died we don’t do it for fun or anything”

Breakfast was cereal bars on the run, lunch was our cheese and pickle sandwiches, beef monster munch (practically their own food group) and a couple of biscuits, by the time dinner arrived I couldn’t be bothered with anything so Giz picked us up fish and chips from Marden, but the scummy gits have changed the fish, I don’t eat it often but the cod is usually fat and flaky with proper with wispy batter this was like sardine with a leather jacket, they have already changed their chicken nuggets from big lumps of breast meat to crappy chewed up and spat back together chewy chicken crappy things if they keep this up I will have to change chippys. (That is a lot of of c’s in one sentence)

I didn’t watch much in the evening I was too busy writing a very long blog I may or may not post at a later date. Once the kids had gone up Giz put Gordon, Gino and Fred on, I can’t say I approve of all the stuff on there tonight, my morals are looser than a whores drawers but I can’t abide drugs in any form, they killed my childhood sweetheart and ruined some of my nearest and dearests lives but the rest did make me laugh. Still had tears before bedtime such a big lump of a dog leaves a big hole in your life.

I woke at 06:30 I wanted to be early for work as had quite a few deliveries to get out, thank god the sun was shining again it does help you get through the days!

Bentley my beautiful 10 year old mastiff had taken a turn for the worse overnight, he had been booked in twice before to be put to sleep but it can only have been divine intervention that saved him as we were flooded in the first time and then the car broke down. I changed his food and he got his appetite back a little so he’s had a good couple of months but now he just didn’t want to get up and he was painfully thin and unable to poo so we made the appointment for 16:00 hours.

Work was ok I made up all the orders and delivered them, what were the chances one was for a couple who had their dog put to sleep! I kept myself composed and got through the day. Most of my deliveries were in remote (ish) rural areas but I’ve never seen so many people in my life it’s crazy there’s fat people jogging old people cycling dogs being dragged out for walks clearly fed up with the situation and longing for their owners to go back to work so they can rest! One guy had his shirt off (he probably took it off at every available opportunity) he was walking down a lane towards me like the Diet Coke adverts of the 90’s and I’m not saying his pecks were distracting but I hit a huge pothole which jolted me back to reality so put my eyes back in rolled up my tongue and carried on up the hill thinking if I were 10 years younger…….I’d still be 10 years too old!

I arrived back just after 15:00 and we took B for his last walk in the field we didn’t go far as his breathing was quite laboured but he did still have a spring in his step. The dreaded time came and we took him to the vet it was all the more upsetting as we couldn’t go in so we said our goodbyes on the steps and the vet lead him away. After 10 mins she called and gave us confirmation of what we already knew and we all agreed that it was time to do what was right. A while later they bought him out to us wrapped in a blanket and we took the long drive to Cherry Trees pet crematorium reminiscing about the good and not so good times we had with him. It was all very strange at the crem they left us a stretcher and the paperwork, we carried him from the boot up the steps. He was 55 kilos the last time he was weighed but he had lost so much weight I have no idea what he was but I do know he was still bloody heavy! We had another tearful goodbye and left without seeing a soul.

There isn’t much else to say about the day I didn’t eat anything apart from a crappy sandwich at lunchtime and a chocolate chip muffin the family had the venison stew but I couldn’t face food. I spent the evening going through pictures of Bentley I don’t know if it helped or added salt to the wound but I couldn’t concentrate to do anything else.

Goes without saying I didn’t sleep and neither did Fabian, he came down crying a couple of times so we cuddled up in the sofa chatting about our crazy dog until 02:00 when we were both too knackered to keep our eyes open.

It seems the less I do the harder it is to wake up, another rubbish nights sleep with every member of my family managing to wake me at least once and the worlds loudest snoring chihuahua in my ear all adding to my insomnia meaning I emerged from my pit around 08:30 feeling like I’d had a night on the razzle, the weather is overcast but without the arctic blast we had yesterday, I long for the sun to come back!

Homeschooling was never going to go well with both Fabian and I off colour so 1 played it safe and let him choose what we did, this started well looking at castle defences and and siege weapons as it’s right up his street but I let my guard slip and before I knew it he jumped on YouTube to “look something up” in the blink of an eye we had moved from Dover Castle defences to watching urban explorers in the ww2 tunnels around Dover, if only his project was on that, as he’s surely one of the worlds leading experts in the subject.

Sorry readers, it’s not been an exciting day at all, mostly answering emails and phone calls for work, it’s good orders are trickling in but not enough to keep the wolf from the door, still it will get me out of the house tomorrow and I feel a bit like a caged lion today so need some time out. Gary came home early ish clutching another two giant Easter eggs, I asked why for the love of god did he get more but he was very proud he’d got them for 50p each, I can’t even look at them! I thought I’d set him to work painting it lasted twenty mins before he decided his stomach was hurting, call me suspicious but he did the same thing last week……maybe he’s allergic.

Breakfast was chunky whole meal toast with strawberry jam, lunch was soup in three different varieties to suit everyone’s different tastes, dinner was the fantastic hunters chicken I made (no hunters were harmed in the making of this dish) served with homemade sweet potato wedges and sweetcorn fritters, now it’s the first time I’ve made sweetcorn fritters but all this spare time watching cookery programs has spurred me on to expand my repertoire and we can thank the Hairy Bikers for this gem of a recipe……if only I’d read it more carefully and not added 300ml of milk to the batter, I couldn’t understand why the hell it was like soup on rereading the ingredients turns out it should have been 30ml……..an awful lot of ingredients later and the mixture is thick enough for a dropping consistency and enough to make about 30!!! Pudding was the dogs doo dahs of bakwell tarts still warm served with clotted cream, surely this lot will make me sleep!

Never missing an opportunity to see Cambodia, Pru Leiths program about looking for her adopted daughters birth parents was essential viewing…..well that brought on the tears but I was very excited to see they were staying in the Amanjaya the same hotel I did in Phnom Penh. I the. Caught up with Our Girl……bloody hell more waterworks, why do they make it so sad?? Millie got to choose the late night viewing and what a brilliant choice, we started rerunning the Bad Education series, Jack Whitehall is simply brilliant and just what I need to lift me out of my moody blues.

Bastard cats won’t come in and the chihuahua is already on my bed snoring her box off, this was not the relaxing bedtime I was longing for!

It might be a bank holiday but this Monday started as wanky as every other Monday, I had a crappy nights sleep mainly because a hurricane was raging outside and I was too lazy to get up and shut the window until 3am when the icy cold gale got the better of me. As a result of a very restless night I slept in and was rudely awoken by the dustmen (I reckon there’s a song lyric there ) so 9am saw me running up the road in my pjs, bare foot dragging the dustbin behind me shouting at the bin men to come back coz my partner is an incompetent fuckwit and failed to do one of only about five jobs he knows, they ignored my pleas and drove off leaving me to drag my dustbin that smelt like a dead dog back home………….don’t ever ask me to clap for dustmen.

To say it was cold would be a massive understatement and having got hypothermia from my Zola Budd style sprint up the road I thought I would warm up by chasing the chuffing washing that I asked Millie to get in yesterday around the garden, sending me on an Easter egg style hunt but for socks and knickers hiding in hedges and under bushes……but not a single chocolate egg for my efforts.

After an energetic start to the day I mostly did nothing! I washed but only to dress in clean pjs and curl back up on the sofa with a duvet and three chihuahuas for warmth, watching classics such as Howard the Duck and Princess Bride. Someone in the tv scheduling dept has a sense of humour, Groundhog Day, Contagion, Outbreak, 2012 (the sequel will be named 2020), Knowing and loads of other relevant films! Millie and I chose Contagion, I had forgotten the details of the story so was a bit shocked at how similar it is to the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s a great way of showing someone that doesn’t get how easy it is to spread a virus but not great for someone who’s already having a grumpy day. To cheer myself up I stuck a bit of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross on, he’s so calming it nauseating and definitely not someone to be watching when Gary got home, the piss taking was so intense he wore himself out laughing and went to bed for 3 hours!

Fabian was a good boy considering he couldn’t play outside for longer than half an hour, he wrapped up warm but still felt like a dead frog when he came in. He played on the Xbox, iPad, tipped Lego everywhere and read for a while then wowed us with his a tale beginning “you never guess what happened at school” nope I said I probably won’t be able to guess (and I was right) “H#%^^* said his Grandad has drugs in his house and he’s going to take them when he’s older”, my backside twitched at this but then Fabian made us laugh when he said “I told him he was blowing my mind and I’m out of here”, its mad to think 6 year olds might be talking about drugs at school and I really hope it’s a misunderstanding and the little boys grandad has prescription drugs!

I made more scotch pancakes for breakfast, lunch was one of Millies legendary cheese melt sandwiches, it’s a well buttered cheese sandwich with a good grating of nutmeg, you can have mild mustard in it but I’d rather shove wasps up my bum than eat mustard the whole thing is then fried in yet more butter until crispy, its beyond amazing in the mouth but a disaster in the arteries! Dinner was a haunch of venison with roast potatoes, roasted beetroot, parsnips, swede carrots and cabbage. I also made hunters chicken, and a venison and red wine casserole. Dad shot and butchered the deer but I try not to think to much about that, for the squeamish amongst you, I have less of a problem eating something that has lived a natural life in the wild and is killed instantly as apposed to intensively farmed animals that live crap lives and then face the horrors of a slaughterhouse. I managed 8 years as a veggie only to get married to a farmer that had meat with every meal, what can I say I am weak, the smell of bacon cooking was too much!

There’s a load of old crap on the tv tonight so I’m having an Alf Garnet style rant (that’s showing my age) about the cost of the bloody tv license and the Sky bill yet still nothing to watch. The 11year old boy who installed it for us can’t have set the Sky store up properly, if I try to purchase a film it says my account doesn’t have that facility set up, I’ve never been bothered until now we need more options for the past week I have been trying to call and get it sorted but to my disbelief the customer message was they are prioritising for Emergency Service workers, People with serious medical conditions, and something else that didn’t apply to me, “so if none of these apply to you please hang up and try online if you choose not to there is a two hour wait” two hours wtf, 3 times I’ve tried and it’s always the same, I have no problem with shops etc etc but it’s Sky surely the emergency service staff are too busy working to be on the phone for two hours. You can’t set up the sky store online and I can’t get through so no Trolls movie for us!

I must get to sleep it’s back to homeschooling tomorrow so I will need all the energy I can get!

Oh bloody hell its 07:00 and the Easter Bunny has overslept meaning my son got up, dressed and was out in the garden by 07:10 looking for eggs that weren’t there!! He was gutted, utterly convinced the bunny had forgotten him this year. I dragged my tired carcass up and distracted him with the Tales of Sinbad giving me a chance to slip out into the orchard in my pjs and no shoes (why the hell didn’t I put shoes on) anyway I hopped amongst the trees hiding eggs high and low, I even rolled one into a patch of stinging nettles (accidentally)………what a great parent I am! I stealthily slipped back indoors and gave it 10 mins before saying “I wonder if the Easter bunny left them in the field as I’d locked the garden gate” he was off like a shot and his little face lit up when he started to find them!

Before breakfast I tucked into my Ferrero Rocher (ferocious rochets as they are known by us nutters) Easter Egg and it was crap!!! Disappointed doesn’t cover it, it was thin and waxy as hell like the cheapest cooking chocolate the rest will be made into cornflake cakes.

I had to fill in Fabians beloved trench he and Millie had dug one summer, it had become a death trap, not for him but for me falling in the edge of the rotten thing as they had dug it right next to the path, the sandbags had rotted and it was looking tatty (I’m sure the trenches during the war were kept spit spot) I promised I would build him a camp to replace it and as nothing you say to him is ever forgotten I kept my word and started on an army base with a watchtower, at the moment it looks like a pile of old pallets and a sawn up rather snazzy John Lewis cot (he never slept a single whole night in) and that’s because it is (for anyone thinking it was a waste of a very expensive cot, I’ve been trying to give it away for four years) I rang my super talented dad a couple of days ago and asked him for a Browning machine gun to mount on the tower (he did ask if I wanted it working and from anyone else that would be taken as a joke but you never really know with my dad coz he will have the know how) this evening it arrived and it’s fantastic, Fabian hasn’t stopped playing with it! I know guns etc are frowned on as toys these days but that boy eats, sleeps and breathes army stuff, his knowledge of wars is incredible for a six year old and as long as I’m raising a soldier and not a serial killer I’m ok with that.

A massive day for my boy, he finally attempted to ride a bike, he’s really struggled with balance so didn’t even want to try but today with a lot of encouragement and a smaller bike given to us by a friend he mustered his courage and just went for it, ok stopping was a problem he crashed into the front of the Saab and the neighbours car (no damage so we kept quiet about that) but every time he fell he dusted himself off and went again, well apart from the time he took a handle bar to the groin injury so he rolled around clutching himself crying “argh me peanuts”, by the end of the day he was flying around the farmyard and I could be prouder of him!

Didn’t see much of Millie but she did make me laugh when she came down wearing a fluffy rabbit onesie, she didn’t find it funny when I said it looked like the Easter bunny has let itself go! She did a couple of jobs for me (under duress) before sloping back up stairs to FaceTime her boyfriend/he’s not my boyfriend Mop or Henry as I insist on calling him to her annoyance. He seems a nice lad but I’m definitely team Jack the other non boyfriend in her life, both have long hair which is not on my approved list but one looks like he washes it the other does not!

Too knackered and far too hot for gardening. So slumped on the sofa watching My Girl, why oh why do I do it to myself I was crying as it started and by the end I couldn’t see for tears but I just love it! The first time I saw this was at the cinema in Tunbridge Wells with my old boss Val and the girls from Katie Janes, we walked in like giggling school girls and came out looking like we’d been to a funeral all puffy eyed and snotty noses, it was still a great night out! I only got up to make dinner which takes me nicely into my daily what’s on the menu paragraph!

I pulled out all the stops making Dropped scones with caramelised bananas for breakfast. Chicken and sweetcorn sandwich for lunch and the roast venison that was all prepared for today is now postponed as it was too hot for a roast dinner and British bank holiday weather is set to resume tomorrow so makes sense to have it then, this meant baked potato with prawns and salad seemed a better idea.

Another Tomb Raider evening only this time with a side order of Gerard Butler phraw, Giz said he didn’t realise Gerard was in it, Fabe said “what, do you like him as well” I said “well not like I do……..I hope” Giz was doing my head in bouncing around like tigger so it was a huge relief when he went to bed early and I could settle down with Paul Hollywood and his Pies and Puds.

06:15 up for the bathroom dash, oh the joys of a 45 year old bladder that had two hefty babies dancing upon my pelvic floor weakening it to the point where more than three sneezes and it’s all over. looks like another glorious day ahead. I’m up and ready for work so after a few jobs in the house I head off to the shop.

I had a few orders to make up, one for a lovely couple who should have been getting married today but can’t so he’s sent her a big bunch of flowers that would have been in her bridal bouquet, bless her she was so excited still so I wished her happy non wedding day. I also had a big balloon bouquet for a girls 2nd birthday, it was perfect all sparkles, rainbows and unicorns 🦄 I got to the house and f^*k my luck as soon as it was out of the van 💥 boom the bloody giant rainbow unicorn exploded so had to drive all the way back to the shop for a replacement before delivering to another very happy young lady. I decided to make time to change the shops very sad looking window display, I’ve lost all enthusiasm for the shop it’s just crap watching my business hanging on by its nails but I filled the window with rainbow coloured drapes, rainbow chakra bunting and a rainbow mandala wall hanging with a big heart shaped ivy as my nod to the “thank you NHS” campaign that’s gripped the country.

With no grocery delivery slots available for about the next three years and Giz at home, I ventured into Lidl’s for a BIG shop to avoid going out for the next couple of weeks, I was impressed initially, outside they had a good queuing system, sanitizer for the trolley handles and hand sanitizer this made me feel less apprehensive but inside was a total shit show, there were people everywhere, I tried my best at keeping 2 metres from anyone but they were reaching over each other standing next to you to get things it made me feckin wild I bought a garden rake (like you do when your after essential groceries) the temptation to give people getting too close a good shove with the prongs was very strong!

Big shout out to the guy I saw pull his face mask down to stick a fag in his moronic gob……you sir are a bell end!

Got home about 16:00 to discover my family left to their own devices had done absolutely nothing, the red mist descended but this learning about Buddhism and meditation is working wonders for my temper so after a lot of deep breathing I still wanted to hit Gary with a shovel but kept a lid on it and got him gardening again. We tidied as fast as we could and Fabe untidied even faster so we took the dogs for a long walk around the farm, weirdly we did see another person god knows where they had walked but with about 10 acres between us it didn’t really matter.

I worked on the garden until it was too dark to see, I planted up an old steamer trunk with herbs, and planted a few more shrubs so I could start getting the bark chippings down.

Food was flapjack on the run, a cheese and salad cream roll, Millie put together a fantastic salad with the chicken I slow cooked on the bbq overnight and chorizo with homemade potato salad…….bloody lovely.

After Fabe went to bed we watched a bit of Gavin and Stacey I’m loving the comedy reruns.

It’s Good Friday and for the first time for as long as I can remember it is a good Friday. I woke at 08:30 that’s got to be a new PB! This weather is unbelievably hot for an Easter bank holiday weekend, if it wasn’t for the Coronavirus the roads would be nose to tail with people heading for the coast or holidays, under the current restrictions if you are lucky enough to have a holiday home you can’t even visit that ( still think that is a load of crap as long as you are still strict with social distancing what difference does it make where you are?) but these are the rules and sticking to them has to be the best thing for all of us!

I’ve not always been an insomniac, I scream at Millie to get up everyday and feel genuine disgust at her sleeping in until 2pm without me threatening to “drag her out by her hair” or “Chuck a bucket of water over her” if she doesn’t move her hairy carcass (phrases credited to my mother) but I used to be exactly the same at her age, I sat up until the wee hours watching films (mostly the same films she does now) then given half the chance would sleep all day but like me my mum and nan would have none of it. But now 08:30 is a proper lay in, I never want to get up and feel constantly knackered but either have to for work or the god awful school run or just can’t sleep in because my brain or damned tiny bladder just won’t let me. Talking of school runs I feel a bit bloody robbed of a celebration for Millies last day at school, I did the last ever school run to Hadlow and didn’t even know it, I would have tied tin cans to the car are cheered all the bloody way had I have known I would never have to make that shitty journey again but it just fizzled away!

Serious gardening undertaken today, Giz has busted his backside under my strict supervision (even then he nearly felled some poor innocent plants) I’d like to say it looks better but it still looks like someone ran through a jungle with a machete, but with about 10 barrows of garden waste removed there must be some improvement. At one point I thought I had killed Gary when an old bit of trellis we were trying to pull out of the ground suddenly gave way and smacked him in the head, on close inspection it was a tiny wound but boy did it bleed!

The big rabbit run is finally up, Bitsy and Bumpkin (they were rescues we didn’t call them that) have a great space to explore 24/7 rather than odd days out of the hutch. Lockdown had certainly made me think about freedom and life in a hutch is pretty shitty so feel a great deed is done!

The menu was toast for breakfast, I will change that I promise but little gives me more pleasure than hot buttered toast right back as far as I can remember, it will never be as good as the toasted doorstops dripping with butter I used to make on my Nan’s gas fire on a Friday night, we used to eat it with a pint of prawns my grandad would pick up from the fish man on his way over for dinner (they didn’t live together but she cooked for him everyday, that’s is a very long story) for a late supper we would sit and peel them together soak them in vinegar and I would get the brass toasting fork out and make the best toast ever! Lunch was a boring cheese sandwich and a rice crispy Easter cake the kids made, then we had the dogs doo dahs of bbq’s, actually it was a long way from the banquets I usually prepare but the first one of the year on a beautiful evening after a gratifying days work just felt perfect, the bottle of perfectly chilled Prosecco I downed helped , it was the first drop of alcohol I’ve had (other than copious amounts of hand hand gel) for a couple weeks and it went down a treat! The big was still at 180c after I finished cooking so I’ve double tinfoiled a chicken rolled in Chinese five spice, and dropped the lid so it slow cooks overnight…… I hope

I Saw a few mins of the news but it was horribly depressing, 980 dead today that’s higher than Italy’s worst day and we still don’t seem to have hit the peak period yet. Paul O’Grady has been infected, he’s such a well loved celeb I think the nation will be praying for his recovery! In other news Boris is out of intensive care and said to be “taking short walks” now I’m glad he is ok for his family’s sake but I hear of him taking short walks I still hear “off a short pier” in my head.

Millie helped me most of the day, she made the burgers for me and attempted potato salad, she needs to up her game with that, I’m good but my Polish sister inlaw’s is on another level so she better go there for lessons and learn from the best. Fabian has frankly been ferrel, he’s run wild in the field and garden, he’s played pirates and nearly driven us mad humming the theme to Pirates of the Caribbean whilst attacking us with swords and anything else he could get hold of. I’ve never seen such a dirty child in all my life it was proper street urchin style but I guess that’s the best kind of fun.

We all sat and watched Independence Day insurgence, it was ok but missed Will Smiths witty one liners the original had , anyone who knows me know I’m beyond terrified of aliens so it will definitely be a lights in night for me after what was an almost perfect family day!

I actually woke up at a sensible time 07:30 feeling refreshed, the sun is shining again, it’s Thursday 9th April and I know this because it should have been one of the busiest days of the year for me, I had 5 weddings booked this week but obviously due to social distancing rules they can’t go ahead, these happy couples had poured their heart and souls into planning today they must feel really sad, one of the couples that should have been getting married today posted pics of them dressed up for their wedding having a bbq and trying to make the best of things 😢

Talking of happy couples Giz got up fashionably late appeared happy on the surface until I accidentally scratched that surface by mentioning he needed to get off his phone and finish painting the ceiling he started four days ago, the response I got was “nah can’t do that I googled it and need a mohair roller” wtf where the hell am I supposed to get a mohair roller from when I can’t even by a loaf bread some days! Then things went from bad to worse when I failed to pat him on the back when he was showing me last nights mowing triumphs, I simply commented on the fact he had mown to the ground every single plant growing by the shed, well talk about light the blue touch paper and stand well back he started shouting “there was no f ing plants there” literally going purple with anger I cranked my voice up a couple of octaves to show my annoyance at his response and pointed at the bare twigs where once several well established shrubs had stood and the pile of mushed leaves that were soon to be a huge clump of orange day Lily’s, his response to that was “there was no f’ing orange flowers there you crazy bitch”…….err no fuckwit that’s because they don’t flower until June BUT NOT THIS YEAR WILL THEY grrrr.

I forget to mention Jo Wicks hasn’t been gracing our mornings for a few days but the legend that is Mr Motivator is back on the TV and we love him, it’s a bit shorter but with his swanky spandex unitards and infectious enthusiasm you have a good time and Fabian is enjoying it without moaning which works for me. Homeschooling was only a couple of hours and went really well, he did a bit of the castle project, spellings were shocking so we practiced the words and tried again. I’ve upped the anti with the reading starting on the Twits, an all time favourite of mine, I used to read it to my brother when he was Fabians age. We took it in turn to read chapters as it’s quite hard going for Fabe and I wanted to work on his story telling not just saying the words. He’s being a sod about writing his diary I can see me writing this for him in the end!

I made my first trip to our local garage in Marden, it’s sooooo much more than a garage, if you can’t get something in there you probably don’t need it! Every shop you go in has a different set of health and safety procedures this one had one assistant in the door directing customers, I had to go left for shopping where I selected a paint roller (not mohair) to stick up Gary’s arse when I get home, a drink and a very much welcomed raspberry magnum ice cream (food never tasted so good and I’m getting used to the hint of alcohol hand sanitizer on everything I eat) having selected my items I had to wait for directions to the counter so customers remained the two metres apart at all times and paths didn’t cross, the counter is now covered by a screen and you hold the items up and they scan the barcode through the Perspex…… simple genius!

Back into work with five orders to make and deliver mostly for Easter gifts for friends and family that won’t get to see each other of the bank holiday weekend, I did about a million mile round trip delivering the flowers to Kingswood, Maidstone, Bearsted, Wouldham and Kingshill not exactly local to each other and Wouldham isn’t a usual spot but it’s nice to make people happy in these otherwise crappy times. One thing I’ve noticed is people are all being a lot bloody nicer, they are grateful you will take and order, recipients are happy to see you, people you see in the streets smile and wave the only miserable person I’ve met was woman dressed as Doctor Doom in the farm shop (she might have had her reasons) I hope this new found community spirit lasts after the virus had gone!

Came back to the silent treatment from Gary so told him to stop sulking and grown up, a game of football in the field was the best ice breaker as we were soon laughing at each other’s misfortunes, I say football but it was really just a ball being kicked between invisible goal posts that only Fabian could see and they seemed to continually move to his advantage, I had to call time after kicking the ball so hard it knocked Fabian over causing me to laugh so much I nearly pissed my knickers! I also squeezed an hours gardening in, carried out a bit of deforestation….well I cut down the self seeded hawthorn bush that had reached about 14ft so more multiple lacerations…..why is everything in my garden so fecking thorny??

Food offerings were my usual toast, no lunch for me, the kids had left over shepherds pie and definitely a change of plan from the homemade chicken Kiev’s to our gourmet fish finger sandwiches (fish fingers, iceberg lettuce, tartare sauce, cheese slice in soft white bread) so all in all another unhealthy day with countless carbs I better do a salad tomorrow!

We watched the Men in Black and then once I got custody of the remote back to back food programs like Master Chef, Great British Menu and what is turning out to be the best thing on tv at the moment Gordon, Gino and Fred’s Road Trip, Giz and I don’t stop laughing at the three of them, if ever there’s a holiday I’d like to go on it’s that one!

Once everyone had gone to bed I set about thrashing all my online Scrabble opponents (yes I am bragging my top word tonight scored 104 points) this has taken until gone midnight so nighty night.

Finally dropped off about 01:30 and woke at 06:00 it’s driving me mad but not as mad as the conspiracy to get me thinner, I checked what the rest of the world was up to on social media and I’m inundated with ads for fitness and weight-loss apps thought I might download one called WalkFit it said its free….is it bollocks. I entered the humiliating info needed like height, weight etc and they asked if I lived a sedentary life (I had to google that and my feet can confirm I most certainly do not) then the idea is they give you a plan to walk yourself thinner/fitter so wasting 15 mins of my life I finish the question section and boom they want £58.99 for a year to tell me how far I need to walk to lose my flab, well I happen to know for free to hit my target weight I need to start walking today and not stop until I get to Australia. While all this is going on the tv is trying to flog me Jane Plan diets and various exercise torture devise. I’m off to fry eggs!

Ffs why does my son not want to homeschool?? He doesn’t even know what I have planned and he starts whinging, I had to do the old “I’m calling your headmaster” routine just to get him to sit at the table, by the third number punched in the phone he was begging me not to grass him up he was a little more compliant after that but I kept it brief and after lunch we made Easter cakes so snuck maths in without him realising (it’s a bit like hiding veggies in kids dinners)

I’m increasingly finding hard to get motivated I think a lot of it due to lack of quality sleep, when I do sleep I have very intense dreams that leave me a bit shaken when I wake, it’s like my conscious is catching up with me for things I’ve done in the past (I hope this isn’t a sign my life is about to end) I did see a bit of program about the effect lockdown and the whole COVID-19 thing is having on us and lots of people reported the same sleeping problems I’m having. Gary on the other hand hasn’t lost a wink! He did get up and collect my flower order but then spent most of the day sleeping in the chair frankly making my piss boil with rage but I bit my lip and smiled sweetly as starting an atmosphere at this time would be a very bad thing! Anyway he did go out and trim a bit more hedge and yes burnt the clippings, he alone and his pyromaniac ways are, responsible for a sizeable hole in the ozone layer.

Had another go at home hairstyling but Gary’s is the easiest thing on earth even I can manage a grade one all over, I also attacked his crazy eyebrows and his nasty mr twit style beard got the gooner as well.

Fried eggs on toast for brunch, lunch was a cup of tea and one of the chocolate Easter cakes the kids made and I made an huge cottage pie that was an oxo cube short of perfection served with brussel sprouts, peas and swede. I think it’s homemade chicken Kiev’s on the menu for tomorrow I only have a 50/50 success rate with those so we will see if it’s a good day or a garlic butter leaks out and chicken is as dry as a nuns chuff kind of day!

The rest of my time was made up of the mundane task we all have like washing cleaning blah blah but as I’m still aiming for my sense of accomplishment each day I took on the toy chest challenge and won! A whole sack of toys ready for the charity shop when they reopen all I have to do is keep them hidden until then so Fabian doesn’t realise.

Can’t go wrong with a bit of Tomb Raider what’s not to love about Angelina gun slinging her way around some of my favourite places on earth, it’s when I really started to love Cambodia and new I had to go there and when this is all over I’m going again, life is too precious to waste and if this isn’t making a point of that nothing will! Other than having both my children my trip to Cambodia was the best thing I’ve ever done, the sights the sounds, smells (some of those weren’t great) everything is a sensory overload and certainly an emotional rollercoaster getting absorbed in its ancient history and it’s more recent horrific genocide. The people, the food and scenery are beyond compare, if I never get to do anything like it again then my memories of sitting on a rooftop bar in Phnom Penn over looking the Mekong drinking cocktails while watching a stunning lightning storm, seeing the the sunrise at Angkor Wat or roaring with laughter riding the bamboo railway (bugger health and safety everyone should try it) or watching 3 million bats leave a cave at dusk will last me a lifetime. Getting back to Angelina, purely by chance I booked a little hotel in Battambang called the Maison Wat Kor it turned out to be a little bit of paradise, it wasn’t flash but it was perfect in every way and it just so happens that when Angelina and then husband Brad went to Cambodia they book the whole place out (10 rooms) and I got her room (they are very proud of this her picture outside of it) I could write a book on my trip there in just a few weeks I fully understood why she loves Cambodia so much it really gets under your your skin!

Enough reminiscing it’s time for bed I hope my dreams are good and very long ones!

For the benefit of those like me that don’t have a clue what day it is I looked it up and it’s Tuesday 7th April. 07:30 and I’m in the van heading to work and even better than that I’m going to the seaside, now before you get your knickers in a twist and start shouting “stay at home saves lives” I’m not on a jolly I’m delivering funeral flowers to Lenham then more in Broadstairs. It felt great driving for miles and miles in the sunshine and talk about small pleasures but seeing the sea was magical, I was seriously tempted to throw caution to the wind and go to the beach but I have one of those unlucky streaks that would undoubtedly mean I would get caught and carted off by the Po Po.

Flowers delivered I headed back but stopped at a fantastic farm shop and garden centre in Wingham. I nearly pissed my pants I was so excited, It was the best stocked place I’ve seen (pre Covid days as I’ve not set foot in a supermarket since lockdown) it was only 3 in the store at anytime so browsing wasn’t an option it had to be done Supermarket Sweep style, having been lucky enough to work at the studios when that was filmed I’d got a good insight on how to do it, I did panic and ended up purchasing random things as I sped around, throwing non essentials like chocolate cake, a tray of eggs, goose eggs, watercress, uncooked beetroot, bunched carrots, pots of herbs, veggie plants and 3 sacks of compost. Noticing more people waiting to come in I dashed to the the checkout to the woman dressed as a surgeon, she was a poor substitute for the late great Dale Winton, I didn’t know if she wanted to take my payment or perform an appendectomy on me!

I had planned on going straight home but had two calls on the journey back the First Lady begged for flowers to go to a charity aid worker who was having a melt down and desperately needed cheering up so I agreed to make a bouquet and deliver it then another lady called in pieces because her friends mother had died of Covid, I suggested a planted arrangement as flowers are few and far between. So yet more heart wrenching messages to write but it was a bit of a moment delivering them, people are normally happy to get flowers but these were beyond pleased it was like I’d delivered gold or loo roll! One complaint I had was the hand sanitizer at the charity office, it burned like bloody napalm!

Finally got back and dyed my hair, and my ears, and my neck, arms, a patch on stomach and leg and the bathroom and Gary’s precious Budweiser towel that’s older than our relationship (and yet in better condition) I have a bright red front to my hair again, the back is still black but now I have a two inch ultra red stripe up the middle because my roots were so grey they sucked up the dye and now glow. My home hairdressing is legendary, my son cries if I do his, as young as four he knew I was going to make him look a twat and screamed his protests. You would never tell I am descended from a long line of hairdressers and barbers but this gene seems to have skipped me.

The long suffering Giz redeemed himself for the previous days sleepathon by delivering funeral flowers to Hadlow, then got my Parents shopping, picked up a huge lump of venison from Dads “it moved so I shot it store” which is proving very handy, we usually have a family roast at Easter but we will eat this on behalf of those absent. He then came back and did what he does best (I don’t mean stink us out of the bathroom) he cut the grass and burnt the pile of brambles I cut out a few days ago. So boy done good (for once)

Food offering today were Corned beef and pickle sandwich for brunch, tea and biscuits for lunch and I made macaroni cheese for dinner but my rotten kids don’t eat that so had to make a separate pasta dish for them with a tomato sauce and a load of veggies. Gotta love a family that requires two meals cooked, I now understand how my poor mum must have felt having to cook four different meals for us, my brother was hyperactive so no additives (it was the 80’s everything had e numbers) also didn’t eat any cooked vegetables. I was a pain in the arse vegetarian, my dad was a meat and potatoes kind of man and mum was almost always on a diet, it was a mad house (sound familiar?)

Boris has been upgraded to intensive care, I wish him a speedy recovery because he is a human being with a family but not a speedy return to politics, I know there’s a load of people spouting “I stand with Boris” and even a “clap for Boris” campaign (which I suspect he’s already had 😉) but my memory isn’t that short we wouldn’t have an NHS for much longer if it was left to him and I hope he gets a better level of care than he thinks those people risking their lives are worth paying.

Went out to photograph the pink super moon I’m just not seeing the pink! It’s the first time I’ve had the camera out since our trip to Cornwall in February, it was good to be reunited with my beloved canon.

Once the boys had buggered off to bed Millie and I settled down to watch the 1989 classic, Warlock. Julian Sands sets my undies alight in that film but I’ve never forgiven him for atrocities like Arachnophobia!

It’s back on with mission shithole tomorrow so time for bed!