Category: daily blog

A Close Encounter

So it’s been a reeealllly long time since I wrote anything on here but after the toll covid took with all its tragedies and drudgery I simply couldn’t write in my usual tongue in cheek light hearted way so rather than make you all suicidal I only jotted down drafts never to be published…….but today I started the day in such a way I am still belly laughing hours after the event so here it goes!

After actually sleeping a whole night without a pet with the zoomies running over me or my minuscule bladder dragging me out of bed in the wee hours I was woken by an almighty calamity on the stairs I jumped out of bed just had time to drag a whopper pair of granny pants on before the source of the commotion tumbled into the bedroom…..wtf was my instant reaction! It took a few seconds for my eyes and brain to unravel the sight before me but slowly the pieces fell into place there was Golly and Baggy circling a really pissed off green woodpecker! I leapt into action booting the furry duo onto the landing then stood face to face with Woody neither of us knew what to do or which way to jump, he chose the next move and flew straight at me I shrieked he squawked and narrowly missed my overly ample chest crashed into the mirror turned around and came back at me I ducked he flew out onto the landing where the two cats sat laughing at how funny they were for bringing in an f ing woodpecker getting it up the stairs and then letting the bastard go! With a tit over each shoulder I pursued the pecker to the office where it made its stand under a chair, if you ever find yourself in this situation I strongly advise you to leave the room and shut the door and wait until it’s dead so you can throw it out but me being me tried to catch it!! From a safe distance woodpeckers are beautiful sleek birds that make fun sounds and are crap at flying when you are semi naked woodpecker wrestling on the carpet they are pure evil opponents with the biggest sharpest beak you can imagine, they are winged savages that only want to peck your eyes out and I’m amazed I still have all my fingers, also did you know they stamp their feet in anger, proper thumping them to warn you off. So the Sumo vs Woody match went in his favour but we weren’t done. After a few laps of the office we were back on the landing, he crashed into the window and landed on the ancient dvd pile on the ledge regained its strength before coming right at my head and veered off into the bedroom for another round of whacky races this time I was jumping on the bed trying to get it off the lampshade. After the green ninja crashed into the window for the umpteenth time I thought about what I was trying to accomplish a little more rationally so opened all the windows upstairs and set about herding it towards one, we did another complete lap of the upstairs before I trapped it in the bathroom we re-enacted an Alfred Hitchcock scene before my towel flapping finally corralled it to the window where he flew to freedom out across the fields into the distance with so much as thanks or a backwards glance!

I’m so pleased there was no one in the house to witness my antics or cctv footage that could be posted online….probably worth a few quid to a dodgy chubby chasers site.

Thank Crunchy It’s Friday

Had a really late start following my night on dog watch, I was unpleasantly awoken by Gary cooking me breakfast, now I’m not great at eating in the mornings so when he presented me with dehydrated bacon with scrambled egg microwaved until I couldn’t get a fork in it (I’m not exaggerating it was like the sole of a trainer) on bread with virtually no butter I wasn’t impressed, I bit my tongue because at least he’d made the effort but…….. I couldn’t not say anything when I realised every bite was full of egg shell and more salt than the Bonneville flats, I just couldn’t hide it, I did feel bad for not eating it but yuk f#%king yuk!!

Homeschooling with Gary there was mission impossible yet again, Fabian wouldn’t sit still or listen and Gary found it hilarious……..I DID NOT! I persevered until he produced at least 3 pages of work, read a book but then I quit my job as teacher and painted the door frames instead.

As I said, I had crap for breakfast, skipped lunch (the kids had the last of the lasagna) dinner was yet another change to the menu, Giz got fish and chips against my will but because he decided to try and bribe Fabian with the promise of them if he did his school work I couldn’t overrule him, will it be 3rd time lucky with the bacon pudding?

I spent an unnaturally long time trying to work out what product one of my favourite advertisements of the 90’s was actually trying to sell, I knew all the lyrics but couldn’t for the life of me think what they were trying to flog, this resulted in a long steam of google searches saying things like “he licked your belly button with his tongue” so must remember to delete the history to avoid awkward questions if my kids pick my phone up! Do you know what it was? The words are as follows; “he’s seen you naked, he’s bought you kinky underwear, he knows your secrets, he’s seen you bleach your facial hair, he’s squeezed your spots called you snooglebum, he’s licked your belly button with his tongue….thank god you dumped him first’ If you’ve had better things to do with your life in the last 30 years than remember this, the answer to this question will be at the end of today’s blog.

Biggest accomplishment so far, I’ve managed to finally book a home delivery slot for Tesco between 8pm and 9pm on Sunday so sorry Liz I won’t be able to see you address the nation a far bigger moment in history is taking place…….Hell will be freezing over coz I’m pretty sure I once said it would before I used a home food delivery service and yet here we are.

This is a momentous day……….yes I shaved my legs and pits for the first time in weeks!!! I’m not saying this isolation thing is making me lazy but I’ve trudged around looking like a Wookiee that’s got Bob Marley in a headlock for about a month now I feel like I’ve shed my winter coat and I’m a ton lighter, I expect to do my workouts with more speed and finesse now I’m smooth and streamlined however I am worried there will be even more fat slapping noises as I star jump my way around the front room without the hairy buffers in place. It looked like someone had washed a dog in the bath after I got out, I do hope I haven’t clogged the drains!

After laughing my socks off at the best “ Have I got news for you” I’ve ever seen, followed by Peter Kay on Jonathan Ross I made the mistake of watching the news so going to bed depressed and shitting my pants ………definitely no news is good news these day!

I almost forgot,the answer to the advert question was……. Sure Deodorant