Had a really late start following my night on dog watch, I was unpleasantly awoken by Gary cooking me breakfast, now I’m not great at eating in the mornings so when he presented me with dehydrated bacon with scrambled egg microwaved until I couldn’t get a fork in it (I’m not exaggerating it was like the sole of a trainer) on bread with virtually no butter I wasn’t impressed, I bit my tongue because at least he’d made the effort but…….. I couldn’t not say anything when I realised every bite was full of egg shell and more salt than the Bonneville flats, I just couldn’t hide it, I did feel bad for not eating it but yuk f#%king yuk!!

Homeschooling with Gary there was mission impossible yet again, Fabian wouldn’t sit still or listen and Gary found it hilarious……..I DID NOT! I persevered until he produced at least 3 pages of work, read a book but then I quit my job as teacher and painted the door frames instead.

As I said, I had crap for breakfast, skipped lunch (the kids had the last of the lasagna) dinner was yet another change to the menu, Giz got fish and chips against my will but because he decided to try and bribe Fabian with the promise of them if he did his school work I couldn’t overrule him, will it be 3rd time lucky with the bacon pudding?

I spent an unnaturally long time trying to work out what product one of my favourite advertisements of the 90’s was actually trying to sell, I knew all the lyrics but couldn’t for the life of me think what they were trying to flog, this resulted in a long steam of google searches saying things like “he licked your belly button with his tongue” so must remember to delete the history to avoid awkward questions if my kids pick my phone up! Do you know what it was? The words are as follows; “he’s seen you naked, he’s bought you kinky underwear, he knows your secrets, he’s seen you bleach your facial hair, he’s squeezed your spots called you snooglebum, he’s licked your belly button with his tongue….thank god you dumped him first’ If you’ve had better things to do with your life in the last 30 years than remember this, the answer to this question will be at the end of today’s blog.

Biggest accomplishment so far, I’ve managed to finally book a home delivery slot for Tesco between 8pm and 9pm on Sunday so sorry Liz I won’t be able to see you address the nation a far bigger moment in history is taking place…….Hell will be freezing over coz I’m pretty sure I once said it would before I used a home food delivery service and yet here we are.

This is a momentous day……….yes I shaved my legs and pits for the first time in weeks!!! I’m not saying this isolation thing is making me lazy but I’ve trudged around looking like a Wookiee that’s got Bob Marley in a headlock for about a month now I feel like I’ve shed my winter coat and I’m a ton lighter, I expect to do my workouts with more speed and finesse now I’m smooth and streamlined however I am worried there will be even more fat slapping noises as I star jump my way around the front room without the hairy buffers in place. It looked like someone had washed a dog in the bath after I got out, I do hope I haven’t clogged the drains!

After laughing my socks off at the best “ Have I got news for you” I’ve ever seen, followed by Peter Kay on Jonathan Ross I made the mistake of watching the news so going to bed depressed and shitting my pants ………definitely no news is good news these day!

I almost forgot,the answer to the advert question was……. Sure Deodorant