Once again up before the sun, it’s amazing what taking the stress out of everyday life has done to me, after years of being convinced I have the longest terminal illness ever (well the 2nd longest to just being alive) every day I wake up reluctantly, feeling frankly a little bit shit, I open my eyes and wait to see what hurts most will it be my whole body aching or just a couple of joints, my head my throat my stomach????? But in just a few days of having nothing to panic about (if you don’t include a worldwide pandemic) I feel great even the effects of Joe Wicks’s workout has worn off if I continue to walk like a cowboy 🤠 As well as the sun shining, today we have icy howling winds to boot luckily my son is weatherproof so I can kick him out when he starts to climb the walls.

As promised there won’t be any attempts at homeschooling over the weekends but on the understanding he has to knuckle down on Monday morning or I’m stepping it up to a seven day week. I love my son with every breath in my body but my god he’s hard work it’s a good he’s cute but bye heck does he know he has the charm of the devil but I will remain strong (yeah right) I did manage a bit of revenge by telling him I’d made naan bread using real a real nanny, when he asked if it was his nanny I said “yes well she was getting on a bit so made her into bread” now I didn’t think for one minute he would believe me and I should have felt bad when he started to cry but it was just too funny at which point he got really angry and said I killed his nanny I would be next!!

Now I’m the only person in the civilised western world that doesn’t own a dish washer, I hate the smell and can’t understand why I want to use a huge amount of water and electricity on an hour long program for a job that only takes 10 mins manually the thing is I don’t do washing-up either, putting my hands in manky dish water makes my skin crawl but up until recently this hasn’t been a problem as I do all the cooking Gary and my ex husband before him have done all the washing up, it’s one of the few household chores I dig my heels in about but now Giz is working all the hours under the sun and I’m effectively unemployed I can’t make him, I have tried putting Millie to work on it but end up doing it again or risk getting the shits from our crockery. So I suspect after this hell is over I might give in a get with the times, we got a landline phone 2years ago so who knows I might even get a toaster by 2022 (we did have swanky 4 slice dualit toaster but my cat Casper pissed in it….I will never know why he did that)

My goal for the day was to repaint the front room but I simply couldn’t be arsed so settled for a spot of oil painting a far more gentile past time that is a huge source of amusement for my family (apart from Millie who has begged me to stop) I predicted we would be on lockdown after mother’s day so did a dash to Hobbycraft to stock up….stockpile….panic buy art supplies mainly canvases but turns out I’m not the only wood be artist there was only a handful left on the shelves in fact Hobbycraft looked like it had been burgled. I got what I could and Gary met me a the checkout he looked suspiciously like he was going to pay right up until the woman said “that’s £79.00 please” he went pale and said to her “£79.00 fuck that, she’s bloody awful” he did continue the rant but I was too busy paying to listen to his words of encouragement. Anyway I’m a long way from finished today’s painting but when it’s done if I feel like humiliating myself I might share a picture of it.

Dinners are sorted for the next couple of days, I’d already made the veggie curry but also made sag paneer dished up with naan bread (no nans were hurt in the making of said bread) I made a huge vat of pasta sauce blending in a multitude of secret veg so Fabian can’t apply his lumpy food filter (he loves veg but the min you put any type of sauce on it he considers it lumps) I also made Spanish chicken and pastas bravas and just because I had a sad looking pineapple in the fruit bowl I made a pineapple upside down cake, I’m pretty sure that the first one since home economics where I shared a kitchen station with James Tanner who’s now a celebrity chef #shamelessnamedrop he wasn’t much good back then and we spent more time laughing at Miss Kerrs cankles (calves that are also ankles) we conjured up some properly crap food from those lessons, we had a slightly awkward reunion at pub in the park last year where he’s said “I know you don’t I” well yes he did nearly 30 years ago but while I now look like one of the creatures in cocoon that have had their life force drained he had aged about 8 years, ffs some people get all the luck, fame, fortune and skin like a newborn babies bum grrrr

News flash….Giz brought me home flowers, you will note the careful wording of that sentence, I was a bit emotional when he came in carrying a big bunch of protea I thought it was such a nice thoughtful thing to do in these horrible times but no he’s too daft to keep quiet and said “it’s alright I didn’t buy them the woman in Waitrose asked if I wanted them, I told her no but she gave them to me anyway” RIP Romance, died of Coronavirus March 2020

Exhausted from doing possibly a new record low in steps taken in a day I am heading for bed I better make tomorrow a bit more productive

I woke at 5am this is getting ridiculous I know they say you need less sleep when you get old but I’m only 45 and on this trajectile I will only need 15 mins by the time I’m 80. Anyway it looks like another beautiful day ahead except this is Giz’s one day off because he’s a key worker and frankly we need the money, the rules on lorry drivers hours have been scrapped, he’s worked 57 hours this week and is still bouncing around like tigger he’s only been up 10 mins and already smashed my Denby gravy boat, I won’t be having a funeral for it or anything in fact I’m sadly excited about the extra space created in the cupboard by losing an item I’ve only used twice.

Well I did it!! Mr Joe Wicks when this is over I’m filing a lawsuit! I look like Violet Bearegarde, big round and purple and when I walk I sound like a bowl of rice crispies but I did it unlike my whining 6 year old, I’m shocked at his lack of energy and coordination for someone who can’t sit still ever he was knackered well before me so he WILL be doing this everyday and if nothing else good come of being my on lockdown maybe we will be a little bit fitter (again subject to avoiding COVID-19

11:30 Fabian couldn’t be less enthused about homeschooling and this is being fuelled by Gary laughing at my attempts to teach him about a languages eventually I cracked and let him out for playtime I would join him outside but I am unable to walk for the foreseeable future thanks to wicksies work out, its that bad I’ve started on the sacred paracetamol stash which is strictly for emergencies only if this hardship continues I can see us using paracetamol as currency like a pack of 16 tablets traded for a Ford Focus.

I was going avoid politics in this blog but In other news Bojo’s got the lurgy which is a bit of a shock as he seems immune to almost everything probably due to his Teflon coating nothing sticks to him long enough to have any detrimental effect. The only thing more terrifying to me than my family getting Coronavirus is Bodgers evil sidekick running the country…there will be dark day Cummings!! So Dominic Raab has taken the helm he’s well know for his “no holds barred” approach to Brexit so let’s hope he’s got the same gusto with this virus. It now a appears the Health Sectary Matt Hancock and the chief medical officer Chris Whitty have tested positive, I hope all infected are ok but got to say it’s not setting a good example maybe the whole cabinet were a verse short of a Happy Birthday?

Food offerings today, Giz rustled up bacon sarnies for breakfast, Pulled pork sandwiches for lunch and cauliflower cheese with homemade garlic bread for dinner. Vegetable and red lentil curry in the slow cooker for tomorrow which will cause a groan of disappointment as vegetarian nights always do but then they eat it and love it, it’s a ritual we go through every week, Saturday is usually takeaway night but I’m trying very hard to not order out, but get through our dry store cupboards (there’s some cracking vintage on some of my tins) and leave the stuff on the supermarket shelves for those that don’t have the luxury of a well stocked larder.

Sad stories are flooding in for work, so many brides rescheduling their weddings, I know how much they pour their souls into wedding planning so my heart goes out to them having to reschedule everything and with fitting them all in for next year it means I will lose at least 6months work but I keep in mind there are those much worse off than me so try not to moan. Funerals are the only work I’m taking on and with caution as flowers are hard to get but one poor lady called from the West Country begging me to take her order as no one will be able to attend her mother’s funeral and she couldn’t stand the thought of her going without at least a bunch of flowers (we both shed a tear over that)

On a lighter note Gary and Millie play fighting has resulted in us needing a new bathroom door…. still adhering to our distancing rules he poked her with the mop handle and she fell over sticking her elbow through the door as she went…that’s a job for Dad when we can get a new one and while he’s at it he can replace her bedroom door she stuck her foot through a few months ago (I can see a pattern forming here)

I introduced Millie to the vacuum cleaner today I wouldn’t say they hit it off in her words they aren’t “besties” or “bff” she managed a small area but then (and I can’t work out how) she missed the whole bathroom floor in spite being in there 10 mins with the hoover making the appropriate noises???

Apart from P.E home schooling consisted of two David Attenborough documentaries with a small test at the end, a build your own volcano (oh Christ the mess) and after I held a gun to his head he wrote his diary page a maths sheet and a spelling test…… I pray he is more cooperative next week or I might just loose my shizzle over this.

In order to get some personal space I stuck a documentary on about the Black Death 💀 it had the desired effect my family all scrambled from the front room leaving me to some much needed peace and quiet. It was a little sobering to think that in a thousand years people will be digging up mass graves to study our bones and research the great Coronavirus plague of 2020

Heading to bed after another couple of pain killers….I’m still walking like John Wayne!

Sun is steaming through the window again and the birds are singing their beaks off, I’m still in good spirits considering I had a bit of a restless night, I found out trying to sleep downstairs whilst pulled pork is bubbling away in the slow cooker is really hard the strong smell of garlic, onions and paprika wafting into the front room woke me several times and it takes your brain a while process that the smell isn’t the house on fire (and I should know I’ve had three house fires and set fire countless random things, I once completely melted a stapler on the cooker top and set fire to a pair of socks with a toaster) I tried shopping online at 4am but Tesco is still a no goer until about 2022 so I’m sending Gary amongst the potentiality infected after work for a few supplies, I figure as he’s already mixing with people at work and frankly gets on my tits most of the time I’m willing to sacrifice him! I got dressed up in a sports bra and stretchy clothing ready for Mr Wicks to put me through my paces but oh no the phone rang so it was a visual workout only, it’s a pity he’s not my type I wonder if Jason Momoa would mind doing this I’d definitely pay attention then!

10am I say time for homeschooling and Fabian vanished into a puff of smoke! I found him in the garden and when confronted about him buggering off the smarty pants said we go in the playground before lessons and you haven’t rung the bell! Having rounded him up I let him choose the first subject so diary writing it is followed by maths and a disastrous spelling test, I have realised I am not smarter than a six year old and judging by the work he’s been given I wouldn’t make it much past year one at primary school, no wonder children are having mental health issues so young my brain is mush trying to understand these questions, if we had known this stuff at good old paddock wood primary in the 80’s we’d have been snapped up my Mensa, bring back the good old “Tommy gets on the bus outside the shops at 9am, 10 mins later an old lady gets on, then 6 more at the leisure centre 5 miles away, one person dies another has a split personality and gives birth then bus breaks down at the market so what time is it in Outer Mongolia” this is why I was in the dipshit class for maths at secondary school, My primary focus in class was how many paper spit balls could I get to stick to the ceiling before Mr Bowden exploded. Today homeschooling did not go well I think we might try the online stuff tomorrow.

Millie is descending into teenage slothfulness, the nagging is starting to creep back into my life, I’m trying to get her to carry out basic tasks like toilet flushing and maybe wash her hair before I use it for cooking chips. She did at least join us on our walk today I didn’t look but I think there was probably two trails left behind where her knuckles dragged along the floor judging by her Kevin and Perry style posture. We took the sketch pads with great intentions of drawing in the field but 5seconds of standing still i was freezing my fanny off so scrapped that and headed home for a cuppa.

Food for they day was Strangled eggs for breakfast as Fabian calls them at lunch I managed to gather enough saliva for another chewy chicken sandwich for lunch and not that I’m starting to get bored but there is 14 Wheat Crunchies in a bag that works out at 1.2p per crisp #firstsignofcabinfever. It was Pulled pork taco’s with salad for dinner and yeah it was awesome! Chicken pie and veg ready for tomorrow, I will get ready to throw away half of Fabians as he regards pastry is for packaging purposes only!

After topping up on soaps I watched the vanishing of Sidney Hall I’m pretty sure I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn’t been trying to drown out the deafening sound Gary’s snoring….why can’t people just go the feck to bed instead of annoying the snot out of you???? Anyway I avoided the temptation of smothering him with a cushion mainly because it would break my 2m distancing rule…if only I had a gun!

So another gloriously sunny day has dawned and I feel great! Again no screaming, no school run blighted with the hideous traffic in Yalding or farmer fuckwit clogging up the roads at rush hour with his 5 mile top speed chuffing tractor to start my day badly just coffee and toast and birdsong! In fact I felt so good I thought I’d have a crack at Joe Wicks workout but I was nearly beaten to death by my own tits so tomorrow I will try it with a bra on!

First day of home schooling started at 10am sharp and Fabians first choice was art so out came the freshly purchased sketch book and he drew a cracking self portrait and picture of Lola which looked like a robot dog as every line was straight so I told him about the law of sausages which made him laugh but he got it and by the end he had something that resembled a dog…..that unfortunately had been run over but it’s a start! Next was spellings with a fantastic 10 out 10 and for English he wrote the first page of his corona diary, I’m not going to lie I found it a bit moving I asked him to put what he had done and how he felt he said he was worried his family would get it because his dad worked in hospitals…..gulp back tears!! Half an hour of maths and it was time for a walk with the pooches.

Thank god we live in the countryside my heart goes out to all the family’s in isolation in towns especially those with no outside spaces, we walked around the farm for an hour and never a chance of seeing another living soul, keen to make the most of this precious time i spent our walk teaching Fabe the types of wild flowers that are springing into life, I had a magical childhood spending time on Bluebell hill with my Aunty Joy who taught me so much about nature, she would take me onto the common at night to see the glow worms and listen to the owls, from the top of the chalk cliffs the lights in the villages used to twinkle and I thought it was fairy land little did I know it was the grot holes of Eccles and Aylesford sometimes she would wake me up at dawn to see the birds getting up and the dew draped cobwebs she loved the countryside but sadly she passed away when I was nine but they were lessons for life and ones I’m keen to pass on.

Back for lunch and tasked Millie with rehydrating the chicken I had desiccated last night, it’s amazing what a bit of mayo and plenty of butter does!

Thought a bit of gardening was in order to make the most of the weather and get ready for the delivery of seeds I’ve ordered including some snazzy looking Penis Melons and penis chilli seeds… yes they are a thing!! my oldest friend Hannah tipped me off knowing they would appeal to my sense of humour (when I say oldest she’s not ancient or anything we just went to every school together from playgroup upwards until she outsmarted me and went to uni while I joined the carrot crunchers at Hadlow college)

The afternoon schooling session focused on Fabians castle project this rapidly fell apart when he was trying to tell me about Willy Conker invading England….this will be haunting him forever now as I will add it to his list of Fabianism’s I may we’ll publish a book of them he’s such a little legend.

Lamb stew went down a storm and now got a pork shoulder in the slow cooker overnight so looking forward to the smell of pulled pork in the morning (dear god that sounds all shades of wrong)

So much for rationing I’ve just had a snackccident with a packet of peanut cookies, I just kept dunking until I ran out of tea I think I better head for bed before I eat anything else!

Let’s see what tomorrow brings!

Pm 24/03/2020

Day one went pretty well, both children are still alive and I haven’t killed Gary which is probably because he still has to work, he’s in and out of hospitals everyday and switched from picking up spare body parts to shifting Coronavirus contaminated waste so I’ve gone from feeling mildly repulsed to treating him like a leper, our hygiene routine has escalated from thorough washing of hands to spraying detox where he’s been, making him change immediately, I’m sleeping downstairs and no cuddling with any of us allowed, if I had my way he would live in the garden but guess that’s a bit mean!

Homeschooling…..well there’s always tomorrow!! Although watching the Goonies taught Fabian how to do the Truffle Shuffle which has to be a life skill right?

With all the excitement of doing very little I skipped lunch, not an uncommon thing for me to do but this time it lead to Hypoglycemia it’s happened a couple of times in the past so knew what to do but still the shaking and dizziness were most unpleasant and within seconds my clothes were soaked in sweat and my hair looked like I’d been swimming, to my children’s amusement I struggled forming words for a while afterwards and presumably the brain fog was responsible for the highlight of my day….putting Carex on my toothbrush and then into my mouth before registering what I’d done, minty fresh no but my mouth was bubbling clean!!

Dinner was boringly a great leg of lamb cooked by Millie and apart from the gravy looking like frogspawn it was perfect, she will make a great wife one day if she lays off the cornflour a bit!

I put a lamb stew in the slow cooker and ingredients ready for making bread, almost a picture of domestic bliss but I put the kibosh on that when I thought I’d better cook the chicken that runs out tomorrow, it only needed and hour and fifteen so falling asleep for 3 hours and roasting it until it was the size of a canary wasn’t ideal!