Hmm not feeling the love for today, I woke at 04:30 with Fabian bouncing around no amount of negotiating would make him go back to bed. Totally out of character Millie got up without a fuss but it was very clear very quickly they would not have both survived at day at home unsupervised, I asked them to feed the rabbits this simple task resulted in open warfare, from what I could decode from the shouting and crying Fabian kicked Millie making his shoe fly off so Millie retaliated by hitting him in the head with his shoe, now she claims she didn’t touch him but his ear was swollen and looked like it could catch fire it was so red, I had to listen to “but he did this and “she said that so had I had to crack out the old “I will bang your heads together” routine, clearly not having learned my lesson last week I took both children with me, thank god orders are a bit quiet this week!

I completed my six orders in record time and with Millie running them to the doors the deliveries were super speedy too. I had agreed to take some flowers to my friends sister on the isle of Sheppey which seemed like a good idea at the time as it could mean a walk on the beach for a second day running but having got there the tide was in leaving only a couple of metre strip of shore that was packed with dog walkers, fishing wallies and some boss eyed looking kids so even Fabe agreed nah too risky!

We were briefly very excited to find an open Starbucks drive thru but the problem with the van is it seldom fits through the unreasonably twisty turns they put in drive thrus and there was a height restriction that I’m sort of sure I could have got under but didn’t fancy risking decapitation, I mentioned walking through but Millie said she would die of shame if I did and it started to rain so I settled for breathing in a good waft of coffee and left the island.

I don’t think I mentioned that Fabian asked for goldfish for his bedroom as a birthday present, we had a spare tank so this was supposed to be an added bonus on top of his other bits but!!!! We had set the tank up ready for said fish and on the afternoon of his birthday I drove him up to a local Aquatic centre to select said fish. As we walked in my phone rang, it was Millie saying “while you are there can you get a new tank this one is cracked” there was a lot of f’ing and Jeffing from me as Fabe doesn’t take change well and now he can’t have his fish. So while I’m selecting the new tank Fabian has found the fish of his dreams but the skinny weasel in the shop wouldn’t sell us the fish because we were buying a new tank, I tried to explain the water had been conditioned and I just had to transfer it from the cracked tank to the new one he was having none of it, so I said can we pay for the fish (they only had 5 left and a lot of empty tanks) and I would pick them up in a week……..NO grrrr ffs so left £120 lighter with a tank, no fish and an upset child! Four days later we took a drive out to Rolvenden to World of Water now they had loads and loads of tanks but only 1 fish left, it was a Beauty but not they”crazy eye” type Fabe had his heart set on so the following day we went to Polhill garden centre the one and only time I’ve queued for what seemed an eternity but I knew they have a great fish dept so felt the queuing would be worth it, was it fuck they had about 10 goldfish and again no “crazy eyed” Moors so another wasted journey there were a few other trips and nothing so against all my misplaced principles we went back to where started and thankfully the original fish he wanted were still there so home we went with Barbosa, Jack and Gibbs came to their forever home with us……turns out their forever wasn’t that long!!! So I showed him to count out the pellets into his hand, I explained their stomach is roughly the same size as their eyes so they only need about 4-5 pellets each and I made sure that’s what he did for the first few days. So when I checked a few days later and the water was thick and brown I was speechless, I fished around in murky gloom and found Barbosa and Jack had gone to Davey Jones locket but Gibbs was hanging in in there! Fast forward to today and we now have new clean tested water and are ready for new fish this leads us to stop At Nottcut’s, they had a better selection but not a Crazy Eye to be seen but he did find some fancy ones he liked the fishy fellow hooked them out and took them to the checkout “ £37.00 please” “but there’s two fish in there not real gold I might add” I paid reluctantly and have warned if he tips the whole sodding pot in again I will cook those fish and he will eat them as they cost more per lb than turbot!!

Breakfast was branflakes, lunch a packet of crisps and dinner was sausages with mash, broccoli, crispy parsnips and carrots.

Should have gone to bed at 10:30 when I started to feel tired but Millie wanted to stay up and watch a film with me and we don’t do that as much these days so happy to make the most of it and let her choose, we both thought with it’s star studded cast The Dead Won’t Die would be worth a go, hmmm that’s another hour and a half of my life gone!! She then started on something else but I had to call time out so time for bed!

Existing on very little sleep I was driven out of bed by the sun coming up so decided to make the most of it and got the kids up for an early morning trip to the coast, the journey was lovely there was not a car to be seen on the roads and I enthralled the kids with my “in da car playlist” I say enthralled I’m sure the groans were sounds of joy they were making with the beginning of every track and it must have just been the early start that made their eyes glaze over like dead fish! Anyway I was loving the tunes and the drive.

We arrived at Littlestone, parked easily next to the beach it was only a very short walk up a pebble path through the dunes and we were met with the glorious site of miles of sandy beach, the tide was so far out you could barely see the sea just the sun glimmering on the wet sand it felt like the first proper freedom we’d had in months! Fabian needed no asking he was off like a rocket running for all he was worth, Millie being the sultry teenager opted to walk the tide line on the pebbly bar between the dunes and sand collecting shells and anything else interesting (she’s a real chip off the old block) I caught up with Fabe who was by then digging his way to Australia using a very large shell as a spade, it was an impressive hole for a small boy with a clam shell! I had been worried everyone would have the same idea and we would be forced to leave by crowds of people, the media is heaving with pictures of packed beaches and my social media sites are full of self righteous people passing judgement on all who dare set foot on the shore but there wasn’t another soul around so for at least an hour we walked and gathered shells until Fabian found what he considered a stick but most would call a tree, he dragged the bloody thing around with utter determination, your average Labrador would have been very impressed. We walked until the dots in the distance started to form the unmistakable shape of people and more importantly Fabian started to whinge about food as I did promise I’d find somewhere for breakfast so before we went back to the car we did our five piece litter pick, we have a rule we each have to gather at least 5 pieces of plastic before we leave a beach, sadly we’ve never found a beach where this wasn’t possible and this one was a particularly bad one, there were loads of sheets of polythene, fishing line and a foil balloon with a long poly string just the sort of thing wildlife gets tangled in, if everyone just took the time do that then maybe it would make a small difference.

Now if there’s one thing every parent knows it’s NEVER make a promise to a child you might not be able to keep and I’d made a huge error thinking there would be a tea bar or something doing takeaway food but no so Fabian went into continuous loop of “when can we eat, where is the food” until I started to foam at the mouth. We drove all the way to Dungeness but nothing until I spotted one of the fish huts on the beach was open and sporting a chalkboard advertising Simply ice-cream, now if you’ve never tried Simply Ice-cream you don’t know what you are missing it’s a little bit of magic in a pot (magic that really upsets my IBS and gives me the burning shits of doom but so worth it) so ice-cream for breakfast it was. I know the fish from this place is great as I’ve stopped there a few times, one occasion getting a roar of laughter from the local fisher folk as I tried to jump out of my Range Rover at high speed on a very hot day forgetting shorts and leather seats just don’t mix so instead of the slick exit I’d planned I had to slowly unstick myself, you could actually hear the skin leaving the back of my thighs and if that hadn’t been enough to alert the spectators to my plight Millies hysterical laughter would have drawn their attention! Anyway although today they didn’t have much I chose a fantastic looking crab to have for lunch putting it in the chiller glove compartment praying to god I didn’t forget it was there like Mum did once on a family outing, she tucked a bag of brown shrimps under the passenger seat it took Dad a week to find it and the car never smelled the same again.

We drove back along the coast pausing briefly to laugh at a blow up doll dressed in a nurses outfit wearing surgical mask and her outstretched arms instead of holding a dirty old man were grasping a Thank You NHS sign Millie and I were literally crying with laughter ignoring the small ones voice in the back demanding an explanation as to why it was so funny! By the time we got to Rye it was hot hot hot and the motorcyclists that are clearly immune to Covid were gathered in droves I can’t say I blame them for a ride out and I keep considering swinging my leg over my motorbike as I begin my midlife crisis but I wish they would at least pretend to keep a safe distance apart to avoid being lumped in the “wanker” category! I used to dread the Rye stop, there isn’t a proper entrance into the tiny car park you have to turn at a fairly sharp angle then steer through a gap between the barrier and the wall just big enough for your bike and knees and roll in between hundreds of other bikes praying like mad you don’t fuck it up in front of everyone, it was worse for me as I was one of very few women who rode their own bike so the men were hoping you would balls it up, thankfully I never did…….well there anyway!

We took a slow drive around Rye and then I saw it, the holy grail……… a cafe open and there was no queue! What we then had was the best bacon sandwich I’ve ever tasted (total exaggeration it was average at best but it did shut my kids up bickering for five mins and that was a golden moment)

With no toilets open anywhere time out was going to have a limit and we got home before lunch, after the stampede for the toilet I was knackered, I’m really suffering from joint pain so after a few quick unavoidable housework jobs Fabian and I took to the sofa, I found Pearl Harbour on Sky so we settled in for the full three hours and one min (why one min surely they could have edited that out) Fabian loved it! Gary came home really late so joined me for my second movie About A Boy, Fabian had got ants in his pants and gone to play outside so it was nice to watch something without a question every 2 mins!

Breakfast as you know Pistachio Simply ice-cream, second breakfast was a bacon sandwich! Lunch a crabmeat sandwich complete with a big bit of shell I narrowly escaped losing a tooth on, diner was the steak and kidney pudding Millie started making the day before, served with swede, broccoli, carrots and butternut squash and potatoes………amazing!

By 9pm I was all in so time for bed!

Funny how weekends don’t matter now everyday is like Sunday (maybe Morrisey had vision into the future) being a Saturday I should be up at 4am racing into work to get three of the biggest weddings of the year delivered but instead I took a leisurely drive in at 08:30 eating my toast on the way the weather is a bit meh and so was the journey in, first I got diverted by a fallen tree, ok an act of god no one to blame for that) then I got stuck behind a car and trailer that couldn’t make it up a steep hill with a huge load of logs from said tree so was trying to do a three million point turn in a tiny lane, unable to watch the mans pain any longer I reversed back down the hill and turned up another lane that had a random diversion sign on its side the arrow ironically pointing upwards and it turns out I’d have been better off trying to follow that because indeed a mile along and the lane was indeed closed so I made yet another diversion only to get stuck behind 6 mini tractors that looked like they had come off a legoland ride so I had no choice but to crawl up the hill behind them doing little over walking speed watching the drivers bouncing around on their Tonker toys, eventually they turned off and finally I was free to speed my way up the hill to work…….for about 4 mins before I started to encounter the dog walking, jogging and fat cyclist brigades………I definitely preferred it went lockdown meant lockdown!

40 mins after leaving home I made it to work not bad for a journey that usually takes 15 mins, frustrated and a bit grumpy I then had to listen to half an hour of continuous high speed Irish traveller speak when they came to collect their cake of flowers, I know they are subject to a lot of prejudice but I speak as I find and they are always good with me, sure I have to negotiate prices but I get that in all walks of life but no one does a send off like the Travelling community, they can be so demanding I’m always nervous they won’t like what I’ve made and I will end up buried under someone’s freshly tarmacked drive but it’s always unfounded and this piece was no different, they loved it and I knew the LED candles would be a big hit! Cake gone I made the rest of the orders had a quick tidy up just in time as I had an unexpected visit from my old boss Val and her husband, I love seeing them we didn’t speak for 20 years after I left her to go and work at the TV studios and although I was angry at how she reacted to me (and everyone else that ever left) it always weighed heavily that we were no longer friends, she could be a total cow and a terrible tyrant but that made her the best teacher I could have hoped for, she drained every last drop of work out of you but pushed you to be the best you could, she supported me in floristry competitions and helped qualify as high as I could go in those days in return I worked 18 hour days and would cry my feet hurt so much on occasions. We finally made a mends when she sold her shop, we chat about old times and my misspent youth, the times I used to come to work straight from a night out on the tiles and have to change in the loo from my famous purple dress into my not so sexy Interflora uniform and survive the day on max pax coffee. When she left today I gave her some cornflowers which are one of her favourites, her mother was a florist before her so it must be so strange for her not being around flowers everyday I know I can’t imagine it now.

Deliveries done I made it home exhausted and confess after watering the garden took to the sofa for the evening. As my darling daughter hadn’t finished making the steak and kidney pudding 3 hours after starting it even though I’d written her very clear instructions, I admitted defeat and opted for my 3rd takeaway of the week ( I might add it was everyone else’s 1st) not something I can remember doing before and certainly won’t allow to happen again but I couldn’t stand up another min and no one else was volunteering to cook so being a multicultural society supporter ordered a Chinese, hilariously trying to choose the least fattening options on the menu. We settled down and watched the new Maleficent movie on Sky before I dozed off.

Food diary should just say WTF, I had toast for breakfast, no lunch and dinner was king prawns in yellow bean sauce, crispy chilli beef with the token boiled rice!

I woke to find everyone had gone to bed leaving me to no doubt snore away for a few hours on the sofa, I wasn’t surprised to find they had left the kitchen looking like a bomb had gone off, all the lights, tv etc on, garden unwatered and the pets unfed. By the time I’d done all that I wasn’t tired so surfed the tv for a while until I settled for Brassic 2, I’ve already watched it but needed a laugh after the week I’ve had! I don’t remember past 2am so must have finally drifted off.

Where has the sunshine gone?? I woke to the sound of rain I should be pleased as the garden needs it but I’m going to have to hunt out a jumper and thermals and a coat…….ok I might be a wimp. After breakfast I headed to work to tackle another stack of orders and make a 3ft birthday cake for a young man who’s funeral order I made in February, wow it was a whole other world in February, there was five of us crammed in the shop working on flowers all laughing and joking not this boring Billy no mates business!

Work got a bit barmy with orders again so when I called Gary and he said he had taken to his armchair for the day I decided to enlist his help delivering (what was I thinking) the first lot he went out and did by himself that was fairly successful the second lot I went with him, how the hell is he a “professional driver” he couldn’t drive a greasy stick up a dogs arse (never understood where that saying comes from and glad I don’t know who said it first or what their hobbies were) anyway despite him being unable to follow basic instructions and driving like a total dick he did get out and take the flowers to the doors to save my dodgy back so for that I was thankful but my gratitude was short lived, I hadn’t eaten since 6am and by 6pm I was starting to feel really poo but Gary refused point blank to stop, I asked at every shop, garage and open takeaway we passed but he laughed as he passed them all taking me back to the shop “as I needed to crack on” it wasn’t until I started to shake, sweat and slur my words he stopped finding it funny and went out to get me something to get my blood sugar up before I flaked out. Feeling better I did as I was told and “cracked on” it took me until 10pm to finish by then I was too knackered to think about cooking myself food so stopped for takeaway number two of the week.

Well my first trip to a kebab shop was one I don’t fancy repeating in a hurry, it was crowded outside with teenagers whose parents had obviously been paddling in a very shallow gene pool, I doubt they could spell social distancing let alone get to grips with the rules, clearly not knowing the difference between 2m and 2cm they were arsing around pushing each other, sharing a cigarette and laughing in each other’s faces, dying of Covid would simply be natural selection but what an insult to those that have followed the rules and people risking their lives to help save others, their parents should be ashamed. I gave them a wide birth and went to take a step inside when a floppy haired twat pushed past and started asking deliberately stupid questions and laughing while his mates cheered him on, he kept looking at me then coming out with more crap, knowing full well that I couldn’t go in because inside there was already a teenage girl who looked like she’d been subject to some form of clinical testing, her body was at the hazard tape barrier in front of the counter but her over inflated lips were definitely breaching the distancing rules and only two people were allowed in at one time, too tired to be messed about I turned around and started to walk away at which point the kebabies ordered him out, the little shit shouted “oh sorry luv did you want to go in hahaha” clearly not aware I’m not to be messed with when hungry and tired I told him exactly what I thought of him and his sad sack friends and told him his future if he didn’t f#%k off out of my way. So I finally got my food, sanitised myself into a crispy husk of my former self and drove home stuffing chicken and lettuce in my face so I could crawl straight into bed when I got back.

I forgot to add in that when I got to work my landlords wife finally plucked up the courage to tell me they have sold the place subject to completion which has been delayed until next week, she seems to think the new owner is happy for me to stay there but obviously she can only go on what he’s said so I’m still none the wiser as to what the future will hold but luckily I’ve been a lot more settled in my head today so don’t feel worried at worst I will have to find another shop but I don’t think that will be too hard given a lot of businesses won’t survive due to the trading restrictions during lockdown and even when they are lifted life won’t return to normal anytime soon for some maybe never???

Hmm my food diary is now starting to read like a horror story! breakfast was a rather good bacon sandwich, lunch (if you can call 17:30 lunch) was a garage Ginsters cheese and onion pasty with a packet of space raiders, dinner as you know was a chicken shish kebab with lettuce served in some sort of soggy slipper, needless to say I was so thirsty I’d have drunk from the toilet bowl if I’d run out of water.

Due to my crappy diet I had an an equally crappy nights sleep waking countless times with my lips stuck to my teeth with dehydration and I had several glasses of Andrews as my stomach kept complaining what an arsehole I was………I promise I will do better tomorrow.

Another night from hell this time mostly me moaning “aargh my back aargh” I don’t know what’s hurting I can’t decide if it’s my kidney or a muscular problem but it hurt a lot! My darling son again got up before 5am I need to reset his body clock before I die from sleep deprivation. Anyway work calls and as I’m having trouble moving I’m forcing my children into slavery and making them come with me to help rather than sofa loafing and eating me out of house and home……..a whole jar of set honey in five days, Yes a whole jar in under a week??? I remember a time in my life a jar of honey would last at least a year lurking at the back of the cupboard slowly welding itself to the shelf waiting for someone to have a cold so bad they seek it out making the effort to try and chisel the crystallised mess for a honey and lemon miracle cure!

When I left yesterday I had one order sitting on the clip by the time I got in today I was up to 15 and on my own (the kids not that surprisingly turned out to be more of a hindrance than a help) is pretty tough going but in floristry failure is not an option so scissors at the ready I whizzed my way through the orders stopping not so briefly to chat to the car sales guys I share the site with, they have been extended the courtesy of being told the site is sold but also been given two weeks to leave so who knows where I stand! I did have a childish chuckle when an order came through from Michael Jackson giving a little mileage to conspiracy theorists he is alive and well and living in Perthshire and giving us a laugh mainly at me moonwalking (an art I perfected trying to get dog shite off my shoes) then MJ called to confirm some details and shattered the fantasy with a broad Scottish accent.

Food offerings today was far too many croissants, they were some new fandangled butter that’s low in fat, this just meant I ate twice as many as usual and they had all the flavour and texture of warm flakey cardboard, bugger my arteries bring back the butter! Lunch was a big fat nothing and I really tipped the fat fest over the edge with an Indian takeaway for dinner but oh god was it good! On a positive note I’ve had no sugary drinks or chocolate for a few days.

I totally disregarded my families wants and binge watched history programs all evening eventually ending up watching the brilliant Lucy Worsely talking about the Georgians, she eventually got to Caroline Ansbach, there was a brief clip showing a rather too honest bust of the kings consort and I have to say it somewhat resembled me, it would just be my luck if if ever I were elevated to such a level someone carved a bust of me for prosperity they would focus a little too much on my broken nose and many chins, I’m sure Caroline is somewhere looking down loathing that unflattering effigy!

Just before bed I checked my emails and found the message below sent to the website, I’ve chopped the front bit off as it gave too many personal details of the lady but this really made my night. Please remember to thank people you might just make a tough day a worthwhile one “Its my birthday today and I was astounded to receive a really beautiful hand-tied arrangement this afternoon, it really is one of the best I have ever received, I know friends sourced you and paid for the flowers but thank you so much, it is fabulous. I have saved your details and will definitely use you myself when I have need. x”

After a long hot bath I am off to bed now please, please, please let me sleep 💤

For as far back as I can remember Wednesday’s have always been more than a little trying and earned themselves the title “wanky Wednesday” I woke art 3am to discover this one was going to be one of “those” days. I could hardly move my back was excruciating but rather than wee myself I forced myself up and made it to the loo trying to battle through the searing pain around my back and right hand side, pretty sure it was kidney related I guzzled water and a glass of Andrews and tried to go back to sleep………not a chance I couldn’t get comfortable and by 04:50 Fabian was awake and skooting around the house like a lunatic.

I soldiered into work thankful I only had four orders, Denis the landlord was still avoiding me he kept lurking in corners of his garage like a spectre, I conditioned my flowers and made the bouquets in record time keen to exit before I felt compelled to say something to him which would do neither of us any good and it’s hard to look angry when you are walking like C-3PO, I’m convinced my back pain is trapped wind but so far no amount of burping is shifting it. My deliveries were far flung, the first two I managed in half an hour and then I had an arse of one to a stately home in the outback of Headcorn, I trundled up the drive for what felt like an eternity and was greeted at the other end by an angry looking collie dog, I am a animal nutter but collies and German Shepard’s give me the willies probably because I’ve been savaged by both breeds on several occasions, my grandads collie used to dive under you car when you pulled up and wait for you to stick a leg out of the door then bite the back of your ankle, I’ve got scars in my right knee from Dougie the yard dog aka silent but violent, he would operate in total stealth mode until his teeth were sunk up to his gums in your flesh I used to pray I wasn’t the first at the stables so someone would have put him away……he could smell my fear and loved it! Anyway back to today I honked my horn until I eventually got the owners attention and it looked like my suspicions were right as they grabbed it by the collar and shut it in a pen. Flowers delivered I had to go from Headcorn to Rusthall 50 mins through beautiful Kent countryside which I was loving right up until I got to Goudhurst village where the traffic was shocking, it’s going to be hard to describe this but there is a horrible S bend next to the church which is notoriously bad for accidents I made it past that and breathed a sigh of relief as I headed down the hill, that sigh was premature as a lorry came up the hill like a twat, he swing wide to start the bend and doing so hit the side of my van, it sounded like a bomb had gone off but he just kept going, my van was trapped in traffic so I leapt out and ran up the hill waving my arms yelling like a fish wife “stop him, he’s hit my van” I was grateful I’d put a decent bra on but I can only imagine how I looked trying to run with my flubber jiggling gripping my back every few steps but I wasn’t stopping until I had his number, I finally caught him half a mile up the road aided by the oncoming traffic that saw my dramatic dance of desperation and blocked him, by then I couldn’t breathe to yell at him but at least the pain in my lungs made me forget about my back! The lady behind him was amazing she had already written down her details and his number she had seen him almost hit several vehicles I was the unlucky one he finally clobbered. I marched him back to my van to show him the damage and with his very limited English got his details spoke with his boss and sorted the insurance what a total arse!!

Delivering in Rusthall was a blast from the past my first proper boyfriend lived in that road and I drove past his house for old times sake. I had the funniest conversation with the friend who sent the flowers, I explained I knew where her delivery was as I used to go out with a lad (well a couple of lads) in Grange road in my early teens and she asked who as she grew up around there…..well turns out we dated the same ones so not only did we share a best friend we shared boyfriends to and both our parents were equally unimpressed by our choices as he was only allowed home at weekends because he went to a residential school for children with behavioural problems, It’s such a small world it’s scary.

By the time I got home I didn’t want to walk another step, I was still convinced it was wind so chewed my way through several Deflatine tablets hoping to god it would deflate me (in a ladylike fashion) I took to the sofa and had the children wait on me for a change.

Out of guilt for the previous days fat fest I had bran flakes for breakfast, skipped lunch and Millie has cooked a fantastic roast chicken dinner, ok she used every pot, pan tray and scrap of cutlery we own then hot footed it to bed to avoid tidying up but I was very grateful for a decent meal.

9pm and I’m all in so calling it a day, a very crappy day!

After the mother of all sleepless nights with three trips to the loo a 2am a couple of weirdo dreams my restlessness inevitably led to more random eBay purchases that will be a total surprise to me when they turn up, no only will I not remember buying these very odd things I won’t remember what I had in mind when I chose them I’ve only just remembered I’m supposed to be making a sunshade out of the five used saris I purchased on one of my late night shopping shifts! Anyway I hauled myself out of bed after a balmy three hours sleep and after half an hour yelling at Millie to get up and watch Fabian I left for work.

I arrived at work to be greeted by my landlords wife and honestly thought this is it she’s going to tell me my shops being sold this week but no just a bright and breezy hello and handed me a parcel not a chuffing word!! Now they don’t know that I know the sale of the shop is due to complete on Friday they haven’t even told me it’s on the market but my miss Marple skills are legendary and my sixth sense and a bit of digging turfed up a truth I wish I didn’t know and I’m intrigued if they will ever say anything or will I just come into a stranger on Saturday??? Still work needed to go on so I cracked on with my orders but it no longer feels like a nice place I want to be!

Today should have been Fabians first day back to school after a half term that didn’t happen and being that my homeschool would fail any sort of Ofsted inspection we decided not to bother today instead Fabe spent his time playing in the pool under Millies supervision, he decided to make a boat out of the laundry basket no one had the heart to tell him so he found out the hard way that boats with multiple holes sink very fast when you get in them, then Millie (the brains of the family) thought she would help him by taping all the empty plastic bottles from the recycling to the basket so he climbed in full of hope of sailing the 8ft to the other side but again capsized so abandoned his career as a ship builder……..at least for today.

Breakfast was my favourite toast and butter lunch was a crafty battered sausage I grabbed on my way to deliver to an undertakers in Cranbrook and dinner Millie made pulled beef wraps with a bit of salad and nachos so pretty much as high fat low nutrition as you can get, oh well there’s always tomorrow!

I’m so rock and roll my favourite evening entertainment is now watering the garden, I love the smell and find it very therapeutic, I did let my children do it for a couple of nights when I was feeling a bit rubbish but never again, they missed half and so a couple of my veggie plants were cremated by the relentless sunshine we’ve been treated to. This evening my little darlings found it funny to keep turning the bloody hose pipe off mid watering…….very small things annoy the shite out of me now, actually thinking about it that’s not a lockdown thing I’ve always been easily annoyed!

Tv has been a bit poo, other than my beloved Grayson nothing is really holding my attention I’ve started watching the soaps again which really aren’t good for my mental health under normal circumstances so now they drag you down even further but still I sit there like a goldfish watching the depressing storylines unfold but I guess it’s like chewing gum for the mind! I have started on I know this much is true on sky it’s definitely not cheery and at times hard going but Mark Ruffalo is amazing and pretty easy on the eyes. Thank heavens for my children’s Disney movies they are more what is needed.

Ten pm I’ve given up and gone to bed praying for a better nights rest!

Its been quite a few weeks since I updated this, after having Bentley put to sleep I’ve haven’t felt like saying much and there’s been a fair bit of eat, sleep, work, repeat going on but I’m feeling a bit more human now so here goes!

It was Fabians 7th birthday on the 24th and the poor little man had planned a big pirate party for a year now but due to lockdown he had to make do with us motley crew and visits from the scallywags that’s are my parents, his Aunty Janice and Aunty Aga and Roxy made a very brief stop. I worked tirelessly to turn a bit of the garden into Tortuga, luckily my “that will come in handy one day” stuff again came in handy so we had treasure chests, wooden barrels and an assortment of muskets and swords available, my mum made a stack of bandanas and dad made a load of eye patches from plant pots and being the brilliant sports they are they got stuck into their roles with great enthusiasm (maybe more than would be considered “normal”). We did treasure hunts, had a few sea shanties to sing to (thank Christ that was short lived) we had a decent spread of party food as chosen by Fabian, I must confess my food snob title is under threat after I discovered I love Bernard Matthews Turkey dinosaurs, I don’t know if there’s a support group I can join to get me over this?? Anyway all in all Fabian had a great day but by far his best thing was the canon my Dad made for him, complete with stage charges rigged by my friend so he could fire it (it only took five goes before we managed to record a 30 second video clip)

Since redecorating fabian’s room and getting him a new bed……well we made a new one out of two old ones so he now has the pirate bed he wanted combined with the high sleeper he also liked, aagh the high sleeper bed great for storing shit under but how in the love of chuff do you change the sheets?? Anyway he’s been sleeping much better since he got the new bed (apart from a spell of nightmares about going back to school and catching the virus) the result of the better sleep has been he doesn’t need as long so now we are up between 04:30 and 05:30 everyday, I try to ignore him but he prizes by eyelids open and demands breakfast or the tv on so I spend my days like the walking dead and he’s an overtired arsehole by the time I get back from work.

Because I have lost all my wedding work I started selling vegetable plants online and I never thought it would be so busy, I really couldn’t buy enough to keep up with demand. I thought weddings and events were stressful but supplying the locals with plants is a whole different level of agro but putting smiles on peoples faces with a few strawberry plants was a good feeling. I’ve had quite a few COVID related funerals to do but only usually one piece per funeral not exactly raking it in as my landlord thought bless him after giving me one months reduced rent then rocked up demanding the rest for this month and wanting the bit he’d let me off last month…so much for helping out at times of crisis luckily his lovely wife intervened and we are back on an agreement until the weddings can start again. I have got to make a couple of my favourite pieces of work of all time, a spitfire which was very apt as it was on Captain Toms 100th birthday and a set of RAF wings for one of my favourite customers. I was wowed by one customers theory of how the Coronavirus was a story made up to put another 100 years onto the life of the planet, over an over he dazzled me with his crackpot idea “it’s a worldwide conspiracy to combat pollution, all the deaths are just people having heart attacks, strokes etc and none of the other stuff is real” I found myself nodding like a plastic dog on the parcel shelf of a cortina unable to scream “you utter fuckwit” ……….2 metres is no way near far enough away for some people from me.

I admit life has been a bit of a drudge again mainly because Fabian hates home schooling so much and nothing I can do will budge him, before I even say what we are doing he’s crying and whining so he’s going back to school a moron, I hold my hands up I’ve totally failed with that! The only god send was a half term project on pirates …….it’s like it was made for him! Despite his schoolwork tantrums he’s been amazing throughout this, he never asks to do stuff we can’t and doesn’t moan about any of it and he does make me laugh so much with his Fabianism’s and sometimes hilarious antics, we are never going to tire of his noodle dance or wondering why the hell he licks the inside of the paddling pool rim as he swims round in circles like a demented fish!

I can’t even remember who Joe Wicks is now and after trying to wear last years shorts that have clearly shrunk so badly in the wardrobe i had to change at high speed as they had my fanny in a headlock, it was a good job I was on my own I hate to think how bad the camel toe was, I really should have made like every other fatty around here and got a bicycle! I started this lot with great ideas of a healthy lifestyle that lasted about a month before I finally fell of the takeaway wagon and ordered an Indian to collect from my local curry house, this resulted in an absolute perfect comedically times incident because as I emerged from the restaurant grinning from ear to ear at the thought of food I haven’t cooked, a huge round of applause erupted , people where lining the streets whistling and cheering, banging on their saucepans, I felt like all eyes were on me I thought I know this is a momentous occasion but wtf and then the penny dropped…….it was Thursday at 8pm and everyone except me was clapping for the NHS I have rarely felt that awkward I couldn’t clap because I was carrying the takeaway bag so shuffled my way through people to get to the car, once safely inside I sat there not knowing what to do, I would usually start munching on a poppadom before heading home but I still felt cold eyes on me so I started clapping and put on an exaggerated cheesy grin to show support. I have been out and clapped for the NHS a few times but as it’s just me and we live in the middle of no where I felt like a dick so only do a few seconds but these people where in for the long haul, I sat in the car clapping like a sealion waiting for fish wishing they would hurry up but they didn’t stop seriously how long are you supposed to clap for in the end I couldn’t take the smell of curry any longer and slowly drove up Marden high street and to show support I honked the horn a few times as I went this got them cheering even more………what a totally surreal experience!

Apart from my uncontrollable urge to bbq everything I’m piss bored with cooking, I still hate banana bread so thank god ive stopped making that. I’d kill for McDonalds….kill but not queue like the nutters in Gillingham after one reopened there, Im really not great at being British I refuse to queue my German blood runs true, I’d much rather still a towel in my place and come back later! I really can’t get my culinary mojo back thank god it’s been hot everyday because the best I can rustle up is a variety of salads I guess it’s down to being back to work full time, I’ve advised my Millie to marry for money not for love, this whole self sufficient woman thing wears thin after several decades of grafting so if she could hook up with a millionaire that’s happy to put me up in a granny annex for the rest of my life I’d be happy to sell her to the highest bidder tomorrow (I am joking so no need to contact social services) Giz has been his usual helpful self, he started decorating the stairs after he couldn’t put up with the earache I was giving him any longer but got his own back as here we are nearly three weeks later and they aren’t halfway finished, now if I’d paid heed to my own advice I’d be married to a man who would pay professionals to do the jobs he hates and I could shag the gardener Lady Chatterly style!

I shouldn’t get political as it really makes my piss boil but Covid-19 and Politics are going hand in hand as we rely on the conservative clowns to guide us through this shit show and if you’ve read my previous blogs you will know I think their handling/preventing/combating this virus is somewhat lacking in direction this has been underlined by Dominic Cummings hilarious excuse of testing his eyesight by driving to Barnard castle after Covid left him problems with his vision, it’s so disrespectful of those that have not been able to say goodbye to loved ones because of lockdown, I can still hear a woman crying down the phone to me because she couldn’t travel from Cornwall to her mother’s funeral, but on a much lighter note I do think there’s excellent scope for a SpecSavers advert from his antics!! I’ve always been a law abiding citizen but I’m starting to get the right royal hump with done of the crazy rules being imposed on us, like it’s not safe enough for me to buy school shoes for my son but they want young children sent back, Fabian actually started to suffer from serious anxiety at the thought of going back so even though his school is amazing and he is driving me slightly bonkers at home I reassured him he won’t be returning until I feel it’s safe enough to do so! I can now have six people for a gathering in my garden but have to make sure the plates and cups are washed properly (best I do t get Millie to wash up that day!!) I can’t open my shop even though I only ever have one person in at a time and I’d consider two people outside a stampede but the garden centres are considered safe to queue them up around the car parks, some don’t even sanitise the trolleys it’s all Bonkers (if I sound bitter it’s because I am) In order to get my garden up to scratch I’ve braved a couple of garden centres picking my times carefully so I don’t have to queue but watching the people inside trying to follow the arrows on the ground is hilarious, rats in a maze have more idea of where they are going, we must resemble gormless pigeons, talking short strides so we don’t catch up with the person in front, eyes to the floor looking for the arrows and suddenly losing your way or seeing a person coming towards meaning a rapid change of direction and sudden panic when you realise the arrows have changed direction so you spin round trying to get back on route, gone are the days of casual browsing at plants you don’t need…………I’m really missing those days.

A very sad night indeed, the last episode of Grayson Perry’s art club, I know how corny this sounds but his program has really helped me get through this whole lockdown, he’s gone from being someone I vaguely admired for his inhibitions but not really understood his work to being totally in awe of him and the glimpse into thought process behind his art has been inspiring and his laugh makes me smile from ear to ear (cheesy I know). Millie has created some amazing bits of work taking her inspiration from Noel Fielding’s art club on Instagram, I’m pretty sure she’s not on drugs but it might help if I took some before looking at her weird but wonderful things!

Anyway it’s 12:24 so time for bed, I’ve still not mastered sleeping during the lockdown and the bonkers nightmares continue to be rife, I’ve even yelled out in my turbulent dreams a few times all this with my premenopausal mental breakdown and a bladder that should belong to a rat and it feels like a “good nights sleep” is a thing of the past!