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Its been quite a few weeks since I updated this, after having Bentley put to sleep I’ve haven’t felt like saying much and there’s been a fair bit of eat, sleep, work, repeat going on but I’m feeling a bit more human now so here goes!

It was Fabians 7th birthday on the 24th and the poor little man had planned a big pirate party for a year now but due to lockdown he had to make do with us motley crew and visits from the scallywags that’s are my parents, his Aunty Janice and Aunty Aga and Roxy made a very brief stop. I worked tirelessly to turn a bit of the garden into Tortuga, luckily my “that will come in handy one day” stuff again came in handy so we had treasure chests, wooden barrels and an assortment of muskets and swords available, my mum made a stack of bandanas and dad made a load of eye patches from plant pots and being the brilliant sports they are they got stuck into their roles with great enthusiasm (maybe more than would be considered “normal”). We did treasure hunts, had a few sea shanties to sing to (thank Christ that was short lived) we had a decent spread of party food as chosen by Fabian, I must confess my food snob title is under threat after I discovered I love Bernard Matthews Turkey dinosaurs, I don’t know if there’s a support group I can join to get me over this?? Anyway all in all Fabian had a great day but by far his best thing was the canon my Dad made for him, complete with stage charges rigged by my friend so he could fire it (it only took five goes before we managed to record a 30 second video clip)

Since redecorating fabian’s room and getting him a new bed……well we made a new one out of two old ones so he now has the pirate bed he wanted combined with the high sleeper he also liked, aagh the high sleeper bed great for storing shit under but how in the love of chuff do you change the sheets?? Anyway he’s been sleeping much better since he got the new bed (apart from a spell of nightmares about going back to school and catching the virus) the result of the better sleep has been he doesn’t need as long so now we are up between 04:30 and 05:30 everyday, I try to ignore him but he prizes by eyelids open and demands breakfast or the tv on so I spend my days like the walking dead and he’s an overtired arsehole by the time I get back from work.

Because I have lost all my wedding work I started selling vegetable plants online and I never thought it would be so busy, I really couldn’t buy enough to keep up with demand. I thought weddings and events were stressful but supplying the locals with plants is a whole different level of agro but putting smiles on peoples faces with a few strawberry plants was a good feeling. I’ve had quite a few COVID related funerals to do but only usually one piece per funeral not exactly raking it in as my landlord thought bless him after giving me one months reduced rent then rocked up demanding the rest for this month and wanting the bit he’d let me off last month…so much for helping out at times of crisis luckily his lovely wife intervened and we are back on an agreement until the weddings can start again. I have got to make a couple of my favourite pieces of work of all time, a spitfire which was very apt as it was on Captain Toms 100th birthday and a set of RAF wings for one of my favourite customers. I was wowed by one customers theory of how the Coronavirus was a story made up to put another 100 years onto the life of the planet, over an over he dazzled me with his crackpot idea “it’s a worldwide conspiracy to combat pollution, all the deaths are just people having heart attacks, strokes etc and none of the other stuff is real” I found myself nodding like a plastic dog on the parcel shelf of a cortina unable to scream “you utter fuckwit” ……….2 metres is no way near far enough away for some people from me.

I admit life has been a bit of a drudge again mainly because Fabian hates home schooling so much and nothing I can do will budge him, before I even say what we are doing he’s crying and whining so he’s going back to school a moron, I hold my hands up I’ve totally failed with that! The only god send was a half term project on pirates …….it’s like it was made for him! Despite his schoolwork tantrums he’s been amazing throughout this, he never asks to do stuff we can’t and doesn’t moan about any of it and he does make me laugh so much with his Fabianism’s and sometimes hilarious antics, we are never going to tire of his noodle dance or wondering why the hell he licks the inside of the paddling pool rim as he swims round in circles like a demented fish!

I can’t even remember who Joe Wicks is now and after trying to wear last years shorts that have clearly shrunk so badly in the wardrobe i had to change at high speed as they had my fanny in a headlock, it was a good job I was on my own I hate to think how bad the camel toe was, I really should have made like every other fatty around here and got a bicycle! I started this lot with great ideas of a healthy lifestyle that lasted about a month before I finally fell of the takeaway wagon and ordered an Indian to collect from my local curry house, this resulted in an absolute perfect comedically times incident because as I emerged from the restaurant grinning from ear to ear at the thought of food I haven’t cooked, a huge round of applause erupted , people where lining the streets whistling and cheering, banging on their saucepans, I felt like all eyes were on me I thought I know this is a momentous occasion but wtf and then the penny dropped…….it was Thursday at 8pm and everyone except me was clapping for the NHS I have rarely felt that awkward I couldn’t clap because I was carrying the takeaway bag so shuffled my way through people to get to the car, once safely inside I sat there not knowing what to do, I would usually start munching on a poppadom before heading home but I still felt cold eyes on me so I started clapping and put on an exaggerated cheesy grin to show support. I have been out and clapped for the NHS a few times but as it’s just me and we live in the middle of no where I felt like a dick so only do a few seconds but these people where in for the long haul, I sat in the car clapping like a sealion waiting for fish wishing they would hurry up but they didn’t stop seriously how long are you supposed to clap for in the end I couldn’t take the smell of curry any longer and slowly drove up Marden high street and to show support I honked the horn a few times as I went this got them cheering even more………what a totally surreal experience!

Apart from my uncontrollable urge to bbq everything I’m piss bored with cooking, I still hate banana bread so thank god ive stopped making that. I’d kill for McDonalds….kill but not queue like the nutters in Gillingham after one reopened there, Im really not great at being British I refuse to queue my German blood runs true, I’d much rather still a towel in my place and come back later! I really can’t get my culinary mojo back thank god it’s been hot everyday because the best I can rustle up is a variety of salads I guess it’s down to being back to work full time, I’ve advised my Millie to marry for money not for love, this whole self sufficient woman thing wears thin after several decades of grafting so if she could hook up with a millionaire that’s happy to put me up in a granny annex for the rest of my life I’d be happy to sell her to the highest bidder tomorrow (I am joking so no need to contact social services) Giz has been his usual helpful self, he started decorating the stairs after he couldn’t put up with the earache I was giving him any longer but got his own back as here we are nearly three weeks later and they aren’t halfway finished, now if I’d paid heed to my own advice I’d be married to a man who would pay professionals to do the jobs he hates and I could shag the gardener Lady Chatterly style!

I shouldn’t get political as it really makes my piss boil but Covid-19 and Politics are going hand in hand as we rely on the conservative clowns to guide us through this shit show and if you’ve read my previous blogs you will know I think their handling/preventing/combating this virus is somewhat lacking in direction this has been underlined by Dominic Cummings hilarious excuse of testing his eyesight by driving to Barnard castle after Covid left him problems with his vision, it’s so disrespectful of those that have not been able to say goodbye to loved ones because of lockdown, I can still hear a woman crying down the phone to me because she couldn’t travel from Cornwall to her mother’s funeral, but on a much lighter note I do think there’s excellent scope for a SpecSavers advert from his antics!! I’ve always been a law abiding citizen but I’m starting to get the right royal hump with done of the crazy rules being imposed on us, like it’s not safe enough for me to buy school shoes for my son but they want young children sent back, Fabian actually started to suffer from serious anxiety at the thought of going back so even though his school is amazing and he is driving me slightly bonkers at home I reassured him he won’t be returning until I feel it’s safe enough to do so! I can now have six people for a gathering in my garden but have to make sure the plates and cups are washed properly (best I do t get Millie to wash up that day!!) I can’t open my shop even though I only ever have one person in at a time and I’d consider two people outside a stampede but the garden centres are considered safe to queue them up around the car parks, some don’t even sanitise the trolleys it’s all Bonkers (if I sound bitter it’s because I am) In order to get my garden up to scratch I’ve braved a couple of garden centres picking my times carefully so I don’t have to queue but watching the people inside trying to follow the arrows on the ground is hilarious, rats in a maze have more idea of where they are going, we must resemble gormless pigeons, talking short strides so we don’t catch up with the person in front, eyes to the floor looking for the arrows and suddenly losing your way or seeing a person coming towards meaning a rapid change of direction and sudden panic when you realise the arrows have changed direction so you spin round trying to get back on route, gone are the days of casual browsing at plants you don’t need…………I’m really missing those days.

A very sad night indeed, the last episode of Grayson Perry’s art club, I know how corny this sounds but his program has really helped me get through this whole lockdown, he’s gone from being someone I vaguely admired for his inhibitions but not really understood his work to being totally in awe of him and the glimpse into thought process behind his art has been inspiring and his laugh makes me smile from ear to ear (cheesy I know). Millie has created some amazing bits of work taking her inspiration from Noel Fielding’s art club on Instagram, I’m pretty sure she’s not on drugs but it might help if I took some before looking at her weird but wonderful things!

Anyway it’s 12:24 so time for bed, I’ve still not mastered sleeping during the lockdown and the bonkers nightmares continue to be rife, I’ve even yelled out in my turbulent dreams a few times all this with my premenopausal mental breakdown and a bladder that should belong to a rat and it feels like a “good nights sleep” is a thing of the past!